♥ Again ?!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
another gash in my heart, great.
another part of me, gone, perfect.
another shitty memory, brilliant.
another wet pillow, fabulous.
another promise made, magnificent.
he's going to hurt me again, great.
he's going to hurt me again, perfect.
he's going to hurt me again, brilliant.
he's going to hurt me again, fabulous.
he's going to hurt me again, magnificent.
and again, and again and again and again
or so he says.
Friday, December 26, 2008
most people who come to my blog, think they know me. just because they read my blog. others think i might have a problem, because of the way i write. alot have said if you read my blog, you leave with an upside-down smile. i guess it's just human nature to overlook the good, and point out the bad. i have written about some real happy and memorable moments, which i seriously love.
this blog, is my way out. i love writing. you name it, fiction, autobiographies, poems even love stories. i just like the idea of people reading my writings, as vain as that might sound. so i don't really care when someone says they don't like my writings. there's no point to pleasing everyone, if you end up displeasing yourself.
some try to advice me about what i write on my blog. some even critic my writings. some are touched by how i express my feelings and some think they know better. so i don't fight. because, i do know better. i was brought up in a family, where freedom of speech was taught and love is the most important thing.
my feelings on this blog, make me who i am. this is my way out of the drama of my family, the pain of love and the agony of broken friendships. here, i get straight to the point and i say how i feel. i keep the names buried so the person won't have to deal with humiliating consequences.
i might be slightly manic depressive but then again i might not. either way, i'm human.
♥ Confused Me
" I'll be okay, if thats what you want me to say. "
i wish he'd just give me an answer. i like being single at this point in my life, but he doesn't get it. he just keeps rushing me. i'm so confused, one day he'll tell me something and the next day, he'll tell me something totally off. i just don't get it. there are sooo many girls out there who throw themselves at his feet, but he won't acknowledge them, of course. he can always help the million girls with their problems, but all he can do for me is GIVE me problems. i seriously hate him.
" It's called break up cause you broke me. "
♥ Ku Bermimpi
Sunday, December 21, 2008
she wakes up with a startle. the room is cold. she sits up looking for the comforter. she turns to her left and there he is. the rising sun illuminates his fair skin. she tugs on the comforter but he's a little too heavy, so she gives up.
she lies back down on her side, her back to him. she closes her eyes and slowly falls back into sleep when she suddenly feels his arms wrapping around her waist, pulling her closer to him.
"Where are you going ?", he asks
"I'm right here"
"Turn around please.", he pleads.
she turns around and buries her head in his chest. all the while taking in the sweet smell of soap and smoke he had. she closes her eyes as he rests his chin on her head. she soon gets restless making her turn around, her back facing him again.
he pulls her closer and kisses her bare back. his smooth short straight hair tickles the back of her neck. she breathes in deeply, trying to take everything in.
"I miss you.", she says with her heavy heart.
"I'm right here baby."
she turns but he's gone, without a trace.
i wake up to the sound of my phone. picking it up, Eddy sounded frustrated on the other end. i was still a little hazy. i barely had any sleep, and in that very little bit of sleep, i had that dream. i put the phone down and went back to sleep. knowing Eddy would call in a few hours waking me up again.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
i miss my girls. i seriously feel so lonely right now. sometimes i actually dislike my family for making me this unhappy and i'm not talking about the grounded crap. i've gotten accustomed to that. i just feel like nobody from my family understands me and no one i know, knows me. at times, i just need my girls. i feel so down, it's amazing. having the band is great but i need to unwind with my girls. like girl-talk and gossiping.
Pei Wen seems to have her new friends. Shasha doesn't even call or message anymore, i miss her so much la. Vee's been busy with her friends from Australia, who are her childhood friends so whatever. plus, i haven't even seen Sophie since the PMR After Party. i even miss Jeanny which sucks.
i guess i just feel left out. like when i read Vee or Pawan's blog. it's all about how they went out and stuff. and i just get real jealous. especially when the other day, me and my girls were supposed to watch a movie but Pawan had cheer camp, Vee ended up going with her childhood friends because her dad doesn't really like me or something, i'm not sure. and Shasha didn't even reply. Deedee's been busy with her own world so i guess i'll see her next month.
i just miss my girls.
today Dead Roses For Darla performed at our first gig. it was fun yet extremely tiring. we left BSD arnd 12.10 in the afternoon. after losing way countless times, we sampai. it was already almost 2. but the thing didn't start until around 3 or 4. we were first. so after cursing Eddy with all our hearts we went in and played our music. i realised i was the only chick singer there. but we didn't stay until the end, so i wouldn't know.
we ate at Carl's Jr. Mukhlis' friend, Armand joined us and he was quite fun. he had some of the lamest jokes ever. but it was fun. otw home i ended up falling asleep at the back seat, again.
being with my boys, i realised how much i had fun with them, and just how much they saved me, from the heartache, headaches and pain. they knew how to cheer me up, no matter what. the one cool thing is, me and Eddy have history but when we're with the band, it's like we all grew up as best friends. which is actually extremely comfortable.
i made a deal with the boys. i'm gonna learn bass and when i'm good at it, i'll change places with Rais. i seriously want him to sing, cause he is one of the best screamers i know. and we happen to play screamo songs. so yeah.
Eddy's my soulmate, we normally hang around each other the most, cause we da biase sangat. Mukhlis' takes care of me like an older brother. Rais' fights with me ALL the time and irritates the hell out of me like a twin or older brother. Alann is my quite oldest brother, who i have no idea wether he cares about me or not. but hey, i love my boys !
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Yana : She called you pathetic ? Dia nak mati ke ?
Me : Biak pi la. I know who's the actual pathetic one and i dont need to prove it.
i can't believe she didn't just read it and leave. i did. but dia still nak cari pasal pulak. haha it's kind of cute really. writing it on MSN, pretending i didn't know what she was talking about. oh well, i said i'm letting go, so yeah. if a bad "friend" doesn't realise she's a bad "friend", then it's ok. so because i'm above that and her, i won't say a thing.
Ladies and Gentlemen !
welcome, my friends,
to this carnival of hearts,
and festival of dance.
Under this tent,
you'll hear stories so wrong,
where people are bent,
and they fight all night long.
I will be your ringmaster for the day,
i'll tell you stories of my characters,
all the little things they have to say,
and all their tears and all their laughters.
This show will be fabulous,
we have absolutely everything,
from a tight-rope walker to a contortionist,
to the lion-tamer and the Doom Ring.
So get ready,
ladies and gentlemen,
because soon, you'll forget happy,
and feel sadness in an instant.
♥ I Love This Song
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes, but it's just on the cheek
You pull away so easily
And I still call you, but I get your machine
And I still call you, but I get your machine
And if I'm lucky I guess, I get your roommate answering
But you're at the bar, or at Gene's
And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand
We sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet
Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don't sneak a kiss
When the waitress turns around
And we still watch movies, but we don't share the couch
And we still rent movies, but we don't share the couch
Yeah, we still watch movies sometimes, but you don't lay in my lap
The plot is slow, take a nap
And you even stay over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you'll even sleep over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes, but we stay in our clothes
I'm only there so that you're not alone
And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer
Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare
Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there
I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies
I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies
Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time
So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk
Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk
I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up.
♥ Letting Go
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
this is me, letting go.
see, my friend did this dumbass thing of going behind my back. oh well, i forgave her. but fuck, what she did really hurt. of course i've blogged about this before. but i guess you could say that i was being emo and depressed but now, i finally feel so much better. and thinking back, i was actually quite proud of myself. i was seriously hurt but i kept it together. i think it's fucking retarded how she tried to get people on her "side" konon. and i'm sitting there going "What sides ?!". but oh well, she loved him. she even admitted she was in love with him. not to me but him. maybe it was his fault for starting it. and "forgetting". i guess she was a lot prettier, smarter, cuter than i was. she maybe even had a way better personality.
you know, i wouldn't have mind. i wish she'd just tell it to my face and not let me find out that she was right there in front of me, not telling me. i thought that was a really cunt thing to do. but hey, she's a sweet girl. she keeps thinking we think she's a bitch but i just think she's a dumbass that made me waste my energy and time being sad.
i know a lot of my so called "friends" will be mad when they read this. but so what ? they already don't like me, why not hate me if you really enjoy wasting your time. i think even some of our mutual friends at school will stop talking to me cause they're closer to her and i'm such a bitch.
i even joked around that i'd punch her, but i'll just see how i feel then. cause she was the reason why i felt like such a turd. i know he started it but if she was a real friend, she'd do the right thing and tell me. or maybe even wait if she was that excited.
so, this is me letting go. because now, i really could not give a shit. if i ever see her again, i don't expect her to come up to me and say hi. but if she does, she better not expect me to be tolerant and talk to her. i'd just say hi and walk off because wasting my time on losers is no longer in my schedule.
told you i'm a bitch, Jeanny. and you've got nothing on me.
♥ Tagged By Dee
Monday, December 15, 2008
Favourite cosmetics brand?
Silkygirl. so very the buyers. hee
Your must-have beauty product?
Do you like Pink?
when i have too.
What's in your Purse/Handbag right now?
purse, lollipops, bandages, housekeys, coins, ear-rings.
How many handbags do you own?
How many pairs of shoes do you own?
5. 2 sneakers, 3 heels.
Cutting edge design or boho chic?
i have no idea.
Skirt or Pants?
Vest top or T-Shirt?
Do you wax?
How often do you get a manicure?
never, miskin la.
How often do you get your hair done?
when anybody in my family feels up to it.
Ever been to a spa?
yea, but it was for a shoot. pfft
How often do you go get a massage?
Do you belong to a gym?
no, but a club, yes.
Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom?
Johnny Depp, duhh ! Orlando Bloom is just too gay.
Heels or Sneakers?
Smoothies or Latte?
If you won $1000 would you spend it all on clothes, makeup and beauty treatments?
maybe just clothes.
Do you read?
when i see a good book, which is most of my time.
Do you like Glitter?
Who do you think is the most stylish female celebrity?
Do you own a tiny tiny doggie?
no, i want a german sheperd, the kind that would eat those tiny tiny doggies.
What color is your hair?
Eyeliner or Mascara?
Do you wear false lashes?
Do you pluck/wax your eyebrows?
Do you cut your own hair?
Do you make your own clothes?
Do you like having your picture taken?
When you were a little girl, what did you want to be when you grew up?
♥ HELP !
there's just so much drama !
oh well, i'm grounded, it's actually quite refreshing. i know, odd. but i'm actually quite bored of going out all the time. which is what i didn't do. so whatever la. i just wish my family would just get straight to the point and not waste my fucking time la. i guess this is what i get with a whole house of actors.
Friday, December 12, 2008
i absolutely love this movie. it's brilliant. this is officially my favourite fairy-tale.
♥ Singapore 2
Thursday, December 11, 2008
i totally forgot to blog about my days in Singapore. well, at least about the important stuff.
we reached Singapore at night. and passing through the oh-so anal border was tiring. being in Singapore made me realise how small it is. i was like wow. Kak Nani kept calling Aunty Min asking where she was.
Kak Nani : She's on the terrace with Brian at the hotel.
Mama : Oh ! Brian.
Me : Brian ?
Kak Nani : Brian, Leysha.
Me : OH ! Yeah, Brian.
i actually forgot Brian, the guy who acted with us in the movie. we called him 'Gomensuck' cause he's a writer and he always had his opinions about how the government sucks. then i realised i actually missed him.
in Singapore pork happens to appear more often. and i apparently ate a few pork dumplings. my mum was laughing her arse off when she told me that they suspected it was pork.
i spent most of my time there at the questions&answers sessions at the Cathay Cineplex. that was fun. people asked a lot of interesting questions and also clever ones. certain times, i'd turn to Brian and we'd both go " Gomensuck ! ".
♥ Tagged by Pawan
Monday, December 8, 2008
-Link to your tagger and post these rules. List (8) random facts about yourself and tag (8) people
1. i have slight ADD
2. i am slightly manic depressive
3. i love reading
4. i love dancing
5. i love my bandmates
6. i never forget
7. i hate it when someone blames me for everything
8. i wanna get my own house so i can have my own pets
3. My mum
First Name – Sharifah
Nickname – Leysha
Name you wish you had - nothing
What do people normally mistake your name as – alisah or aisyah.
Birthday - 30 July 1993.
Birthplace – Bangsar
Time of Birth – just before Maghrib
Single or taken - Single and not interested
Zodiac sign – Leo
How tall are you – 5'
Wish you were taller – yea. but looking at my family, i'll probably grow a little taller
Eye color - hazel
Eye color you want – im happy with my own eyes.
Natural Hair color – light brown
Current Hair color – dark brown
Ever dye your hair a bizarre color – almost
Last time you did something dramatic with your hair – form 1, i cut it shorter than shoulder length
Glasses or contacts – zero.
Do you wear make-up – only on special occasions.
Ever had hair extensions – nahh.
Paint your nails - when i'm bored but i normally clean it off right after
-In the opposite gender-
What color eyes – dark eyes
What color hair - black
Shy or Outgoing – outgoing please
Sexy or Cute - both
Serious or Fun – seriously fun.
Older or Younger than you – older
A turn on - brains
A turn off - shallow thinking
-This or that-
Flowers or Chocolates - chocolates
Pepsi or Coke - pepsi
Rap or Rock – Rock
Relationship or One night stand – neither
School or Work -school
Love or Money – love
Movies or Music - music
Country or City – country
Friends or Family - family
-Have you ever-
Lie – seriously ?
Stole something- once, from a thrift store.
Smoked - once, never liked it.
Hurt someone close to you – hopefully not.
Broke someone's heart - yeap
Had your heart broken - ohh yea
Wondered what was wrong with you - most of the time
Wish you were a prince/princess - no
Liked someone who was taken – never
Shaved your head - nahh
Used chopsticks - duhh
Sang in the mirror to yourself – no
Flower – white roses
Candy – strawberry lollipops
Song – too many
Scent - his smell
Color - dark colours
Singer – Pink
Word –no idea
Junk food – mcd's
Website – blogger
Location – penang
Animal - awang
Ever cried over someone - haha yeap
Is there anything you wish you could change about yourself – not really
Do you think you're attractive - at certain times
If you had to choose a fairytale as your life what would you choose – Pocahontas maybe ?
Do you play any sports – i swim.
Mukhlis : Canne ni ?
Eddy : Ni crowd anak orang kaya kot.
Rais : Tu la. Macam sial.
Leysha : Ae ! I can sing 'All The Small Things'
Mukhlis : Ah ! yes, u sing that.
Rais : *points to Leysha* HAHA, menyesal.
Leysha : Agak ah.
Rais : Nyanyi ah 'My Heroine'
Mukhlis : Dia takley nyanyi tinggi ah.
Leysha : Hello ! Soar throat.
That was us before our performance at the BSD2 prom night. that's after we were playing uno in the lounge. we were real nervous. we're a metal band. nothing like what they'd listen to. but hey, we did it. everybody was up and jumping, singing along to us. it really does feel so good being up there on the stage with my boys. Dee was there for Mukhlis, and she recorded us. we hung out at the band table with the Bestari boys and Frequency Cannon. we danced when they opened the dancefloor. that was fun cause my boys have absolutely no idea what dancing means.
The prom was kinda fun. but i could see that the form 5's had the best last day together. it was the first prom i went to wearing only a pair of skinny jeans, a shirt saying "I'm With The Band" and my black converse shoes.
Sam :*to Eddy* i like girls like that la. *points to me* come function like this wearing like that.
Eddy : She's our lead singer.
Leysha : *blushes*
After the prom, we all went to mcd's, including Dee. i really missed hanging out with her. so it was nice having her there. the band just kept talking about the performance and our future together.
Eddy : Masa 'My Heroine' the crowd memang boring oh.
Mukhlis : Tu ah. Masa 'All The Small Things' baru best.
Leysha : Tu la, everybody was singing along. Best ohh.
Mukhlis : Memang patut ada Leysha kot.
Rais : Agak ah.
Leysha : No, patut ada 5/5 baru smart.
Mukhlis : High five !
We all gave each other a high five. we even gave one to Alann when he came back from the toilet. but being Alann, he didn't get it.
after mcd's, we went to the padang safa. and after sending Dee, Mukhlis and Rais, Alann sent me home. and while walking to my house all i could think of were the sound of my dangling keys and what happened on the dancefloor earlier that night.
It was a slow song, and Eddy pulled me onto the dancefloor. we were one of the first few couples on the dancefloor. i put my arms around his neck and he put his arms around my waist. we acted like biasa. he making jokes, and me laughing very unladylike. i remember him making a joke and i jumped up and hugged him. when i let go and turned, Ilya came up to us with her camera and took a picture.
Ilya : i'm so sorry you guys, but you guys are obviously the cutest couple here, so i'm gonna take a picture.
we made faces when she took the picture. and she told us that was real cute. Eddy turned to me with a hopeful face but all i could do was smile. i remembered the song Eddy played over and over again one night when we were hanging out. but one part stood out.
"But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way"
♥ Old Pictures
Monday, December 1, 2008
are you in love with me ?
are you ?
why'd we break up ?
because i hate being your girlfriend.
You know my heart
(So tell me honestly, did you ever really want this?)
Knows all these parts
(Cause my jealous heart can't take this)
So I'll sing this song for every word that's come out wrong
But "I'll be OK"
Is that what you want me to say?
It's called breakup 'cause it's broken
Well I thought that we could sit around and talk for hours
About things I couldn't say to you
And things that we can never do.
By Mayday Parade
i have to admit, i didnt particularly like this band before. i always thought they were stuck up. but yesterday, coming back from Singapore, we stopped by Melaka. we went to a petrol station to pee and buy some snacks. when we opened the doors someone asked my sister for a photo. turns out he was a friend of bunkface. i was awe-struck. i almost died. i talked with the bassist, Youk, i just kept asking him over and over again. i just could not believe it.
i guess that's just God saying