Your Personal

This Is As Quiet As It Gets, Hush Down Now
Sunday, May 30, 2010

it turned to me
and i saw it's ugly face
shielding my eyes to not see
it was such an unpleasant place

it held its head up high
the pride of one
such that it would never cry

it didn't understand
it kept asking many questions
for which some
i didn't have any answers

finally it took one good look at me
its eyes burning deep
it stared and it stared

then finally it asked
"what's that weird thing beating in your chest ?"

keeping my lips shut tight
i stared into the eyes of sorrow itself
and slowly it accepted my answer
and understood

and without anymore questions
or even words
it turned around and left
but never for the last time

When I Open My Eyes, I'm Still Taken By Surprise
Saturday, May 29, 2010

"because he's an ass, but what if he's the only ass
that could ever make you smile ?"

"well there is two options,
one, you fight and you end up hating each other
but two, you end up spending the rest of your lives together."

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad, carry you around when your arthritis is bad. I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches; build you a fire if the furnace breaks. I’ll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. Need you, feed you, I’ll even let you hold the remote control. So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink. All I wanna do is grow old with you.

because i know exactly how you feel.

I Just Can't Help But Want You More

because you held me tight and i held my heart tighter.

funny how when you stare at someone and the minute they smile, you realise how drastic your life has changed. that's the smile that reminds you of everything that once made you happy.

i miss hindi movies. i am so gonna go out one day and just go crazy buying all kinds of hindi movies, hide myself in my room with some koko krunch and root beer and just watch one after the other.

went to watch C3 at One Utama just now. not bad lah. spent most of the time wasting my breath walking around wishing for something to happen. ended up helping everybody with some stuff. had so much fun afterward basing and stunt-ing. i miss cheer so much !

gonna go tomorrow. maybe gonna help out even.

i'm like so tired weyyy. ughh ngantok. but obviously i can't sleep. so yes, life sucks. i hate being philosophical and shit but when things happen, you tend to get a few lines lah kan.

dude i honestly have no idea what i'm doing. but i'm having so much fun in the process it is amazing. i have my accounts paper on friday. what a way to end my exams lah kan. haihh, just can't wait till it's all over for now.

I've Never Seen Your Heart This Tired
Tuesday, May 25, 2010

i thought i was dreaming when i heard them talk about him. there wasn't panic in their voices, just urgency so i just stayed in there. between sleep and consciousness, listening to them talk it out and then she got up, got ready and left.

i didn't understand until i felt Yana shake me real hard. i kept pushing her away. in some weird way, i knew what was coming so my head didn't want my heart to wake up and find out. but Yana shook me hard and

"Tok Wan flat lined", was all that she said.

i just kept repeating that i had an exam. as if this was all a dream and i thought that everybody was just messing with me. i didn't wanna accept it. i didn't wanna wake up to that awful feeling.

but they made me and i quickly got dressed. it was 2 in the morning when we left for the hospital.when we got there he was already being taken out and she was there standing right there watching everything and the moment i stepped foot in that room i knew it. so i went over and held her tight as she cried.

i left this body a while ago. but had to come back. i didn't cry. i don't think i will but what am i to do ? this is that weird feeling after all. knowing their gone but still thinking their only a phone call away.

"Tok Wan, Leysha mintak maaf eh ? i'll miss you, Tok. i hope you didn't suffer as much as we thought you did. i'll always love you forever. you are after all my only granddaddy. i'll never forget those mornings where i'd wake up early just to have breakfast with you. you were right Tok. even though Tok Aling selalu marah you. she does love you, so much. i love you Tok."

I Hold Sunlight And Swallow Fireflies
Monday, May 24, 2010

it's raining and i miss the beach.

my head really is all over the place at this very moment. no idea why though. can't really put my finger on it. but everybody's been really nice with helping me out.

had Add Maths exam just now. practically died. no idea what i was trying to do. could do some questions but i have a feeling i still won't be passing anytime soon. since i was barely awake and i can barely remember anything.

i'm really into the band Eisley right now. i really wanna jamm their songs. just waiting for a good time to start a band and all. i do have a my major exam this year after all. but you guys should totally listen to them. they're real calming and sweet.

"because i have you. i want you."

sounds kinda like a line from a movie kan ? yeahh, but people actually say these things to me. weird huh ? totally caught me off guard.

you might not have realised this but when you said that, my breath caught. i didn't know how to react. it was weird being that intimate and it was real sweet. but i was just mostly shocked at how honest you were.

i don't even read your blog anymore. i know you don't read mine. and it's been so long. so maybe this won't hurt as much.

Vinoda Ganase
Saturday, May 22, 2010


who knew that the tiniest person i know would have one of the biggest impacts on my life. and now you're 17. then soon we'll all be 17 and that would have made us best friends for approximately 4 years now. funny huh ? the people you think not much of in the beginning become your lives sooner or later. but for you with me it was sooner than ever.

you're one of the most heartwarming people i know. you have the ability to make me fall over and die from laughing. so what if you're lesbian ? you're my lesbian ! and there's nothing, no one can do about that.

you really are an amazing best friend. and i am thankful everyday that you're my best friend. you've always been there for me and you're always there to give me any advice. and trust me, you give awesome advice. i love so much about you lah. i love you best friend.

hey, best friends baby.

And Please Don't Let Me Go
Friday, May 21, 2010

because if i could write a song
i would, but being me
it would be a little too complicated

so i'll just sit here and talk
while you stare at me

we can hate each other forever
just wondering how long forever really is

but if this really works
and the scars finally heal
and we'll see our real faces for the first time
in such a long time

wouldn't it be worth it ?

Promises Of Promises, I Am Only In Love With You
Wednesday, May 19, 2010

no don't worry, i'm not in love with a dead guy.

just in love and absolutely hating it. had english today. pretty simple. i got to sleep for and hour and a half. and it was awesome ! cause i sit next to the window and it was all windy and stuff.

got maths tomorrow. so gonna do a bit of revision before going to sleep. a have all the forms down pretty well except for form 5. which still makes my head hurt.

this is really short cause mostly i wanted to post the picture up :P

She Was A Wreck But So Was He
Tuesday, May 18, 2010

my mind is impossible to understand.

exams started today. 2 papers down, and still so much left. tomorrow got english so that's pretty simple for me. my favourite part is when i get to write all kinds of stories and such.

hopefully i won't mess up the literature part which hopefully will not be as complex as BM was. i barely had any idea what i was doing with BM. i wrote 356 words. i barely remember anything i wrote. i didn't even re-read it.

got back into my Sid Vicious mode again. man, he's so hot. especially when he performs. ahh i just wanna hit him in the face. oooh ! which reminds me, i found these real cool biker boots at OU. planning on buying em after me exams. they are so hot !

okay, officially beat. my hair is like really big for some reason. night guys !

Now There's Nothing Left To Say But Change Your Mind
Sunday, May 16, 2010

if you find yourself here
on my side of town
i'd pray that you'd
come to my door
and talk to me
like you don't know what
we ever fought about
because i don't
remember anymore

i just know that she warms my heart
and knows what all my imperfections are
and she said that i was the brightest little firefly
in her jar

and i just know that she warms my heart
and knows what all my imperfections are
and she said that i was the brightest little firefly
in her jar

I'm Afraid That You're Never Coming Back This Way Again

these feelings are bullshit. yes ? no ? maybe so ?

i've been really into Copeland and Mayday Parade these past few days. they're just so calming and hug-able. i could just sit in my room all day and listen to them play.

i just remembered that i need to get myself a vinyl player and quick because it would be extremely awesome to be able to hear my Deep Purple vinyl out loud when i'm getting ready or about to sleep.

i'm gonna post up a post of lyrics from one of Copeland's songs, Brightest. real sweet song. very poetic kinda like Mayday Parade songs but less emo.

mostly, i'm doing it cause there's someone out there who i want for them to listen to the song but if they heard the song, they'd only hear the music and not the lyrics. and for Copeland the whole point of their songs are their lyrics.

so here we go, hopefully for the last time.

Like The Devil's In Your Hands
Friday, May 14, 2010

doesn't he look delicious ? well, he is ! he's Alessandro Nivola. oh my freaking god ! he is too delicious. finally something new to drool over. come on people, you can just see the charm spurting out of his eyes. cue squeal.

watched this movie at One Utama just now with Lee. Tana supposed to go but he buat like biasa and j.k last minute. i went straight from the hospital. so we ended up being kinda late. but we didn't miss anything. we still got the whole point of the movie.

the movie was real good. the clothes were amazing ! i had a lot of fun watching it. but it's a true story and it's so extremely depressing yet uplifting. you guys honestly have to go watch it. you will not be disappointed.

What A Wonderful Carricature Of Intimacy
Thursday, May 13, 2010

yes, i am extremely buruk.
kiss it freaks !

Tana Raj a/l Balachandran
Tuesday, May 11, 2010

check him out !
this is Tana.

he's one of my closest friends. i swear to god, sometimes i don't know what i'd do without him. he doesn't read my blog but so what ? he means that much to me. and since it's his birthday and all. i just wanted to come here and show you guys my indian boyfriend. :P

you know i love yah.

Time Was Over Taking Me And I Guess I Was Confused
Sunday, May 9, 2010

oh my god, i had so much at the Electric Showcase, and for those who didn't come, you missed out. it was so awesome. just sitting around and singing along. but a bunch of thanks to those who came.

i had so much fun just singing along. and i had even more fun performing with Lee and Tana. they are honestly the best guys lah. Tana was AMAZING, even for his first performance ever. i was so terribly proud of him. and it felt good to sing my heart out.

after that we hung out at Hartamas. and after an amazing night, somehow, he just made me smile bigger. unbelievable huh ? but he did. even for a while. and Pei Wen agrees that he's cute. MUAHAHA ! after that, Mak picked us up and we continued our hangout session until 6 when we all finally went to sleep.

went to see Copeland today. but we practically missed the whole show because the whole thing was all over the place. Yana and Kak Liyana were so pissed but Fara and I kept reminding them how lucky they were to even witness it.

and my positivity paid off ! we got to go first in line and we got to hug em and take all kinds of pictures. i took tons. gonna upload em in another post. but not just yet. maybe tomorrow.

i be the sleepy. love you Freaks.

Talk To Me Like You Don't Know What We Ever Fought About

i always had this crazy thing for certain things. but it's weird. i literally have this weird kind of obsession with butterflies, roses and strawberries. i know, like i said, weird.

no idea why. roses seem to calm me in a way that no other scent can. i used to make Mak buy roses for me from all the pasar malam. and i'd arrange them and put em in a vase sampai one day, a guy i know told me that i smelt strongly of roses.

strawberries, at first, i did not like. but then, they grew on me cause Yana kept buying and not eating. so after a while, i would buy them on my own and eat em to my heart's content.

but butterflies were slightly different. they have some kind of spiritual bond to me. maybe not them to me, but me to them. every time i see one, i just stare until they fly away. i guess i'm just hoping on them to bring me some company. and i strongly believe in the idea as butterflies as messengers. not of god. but of mind and spirits.

to me, it's like they see what we can't and hear what our hearts say.

Stop Breathing If I Don't See You Anymore
Thursday, May 6, 2010

because these emotions
keep pulling me down deep
drowning the very life of me

even if i looked
you wouldn't let me find you
i could feel your breathing
but your heartbeat was fading

i am too much of a hassle
you obviously can't handle that

you say you know who i am
when i can predict your every thought

so before you sleep
just tell me your feelings
so true

don't make me decide
because you of all people should know
i could never decide

so when you're done with this war
come run to me
with the rain and lightning
as your shield and sword

you'll know exactly where to find me
just close your eyes
and see

Cause I Wanted, I Wanted You To Stay
Wednesday, May 5, 2010

because i just want to give you my everything. weird huh ?

didn't go to school today for no reason what-so-ever. just hung out in my room listening to some music. i haven't had one of those days where you just laze around, in so long.

couldn't go for Koko since everybody was busy and malas. that was a bummer. got to go for Accounts tuition though. which made me realise that i was so far behind but i like the teacher. he's nice.

the Electric Showcase is this Saturday. and i gotta say, i'm kinda nervous. will be performing with Lee and Tana which will be fun. we'll be performing an array of songs including one of mine. which is why i'm so nervous. but they really like it and they want me to play it so it'll be our opening song.

gots to go. Kak Leya bising. time for me Mcd's

Put Me Back Together, Make Me Right
Saturday, May 1, 2010

just too cute, god ! i just wanna bite you.

had a very packed week but it was fun. especially with the cheer girls and everything. we practiced like nobody's business but we didn't get into finals. but oh well. cause honestly, it was enough to just go there and compete and have all kinds of fun.

can you imagine though ? the night before the competition, i went to Geo's with Rejaie, Vee, Ali, Awaina and Ariff then we picked Yana up and we just hung out. drove around for a while after that then headed home.

i wrote a killer poem the other day a whole page long.

oh ! oh ! oh ! guess what ? Kak Nani came to the competition to support me. it was so cool. i almost cried when i saw her just before i went on. hung out with her there the whole day and it honestly made me smile the whole way.

my head is all over the place but my heart isn't. for once ! my heart doesn't seem too excited about anything in particular so it's really calm right now. i guess it's just waiting to be shocked and awed. my head, on the other hand is all over the effing place. i am seriously stressing ABOUT EVERYTHING.

oh well, i've got homework. keep em on freaks !

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