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I Know Living With You Baby Was Sometimes Hard
Friday, July 6, 2012

My grandma has a spinster sister and ever since I was a little girl I always wondered about her. I asked my grandma constantly as a child, but she never really gave me an answer. All she ever said was "No jodoh". Funny, isn't it? We go through life falling in and out of love, wondering if we missed our chance or if we're just wasting our time but none of it really matters. Not until you're an old person sitting down all alone in your apartment staring at the television and all you do all day is go back to the memories, to all the things you once had, all the things you tried to forget and give up.

I waited for you to come home. Even now, I'm waiting for you to come home to me. Come in through the door and give me a kiss on the forehead, then you'll tell me immediately what happened and I won't have any time to say anything or reply you. You'll just keep on talking and I'll keep on listening to you. Loving every minute of you just being there.

But I hated it. I hated the wait. I wasn't happy being alone, without you. I kept staring at the clock, waiting for you to come home and I just couldn't allow it. I don't know if I could ever get married to someone, even you because I don't think I could wait like that for more than once. I can't see myself being that kind of woman, I don't want to be someone who just waits at home and I don't want all my happiness to rely on you solely, so is it weird? That I am completely for you and yet, I can't give myself to you.

"Not just you, I don't think I could ever do that for someone."
"Funny how you hated waiting but soon enough, I'll have to wait a year for you to come home."

'Home', such a big word to us. You are my home. Everything we have and everything we say involves 'we'. We barely say 'I'. It's like we're already married and I fucking hate it. I fucking hate this. This has got to be the first relationship where it's felt this real. I love you like hell and at the same time, I absolutely hate you. So how does this work? Will I wait for you to come home to me? Will you wait?

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