well i do seem desperate for a few good times.

school officially ended today, although i didn't go. but i did go yesterday to get my slip and for the class party. after 11 years of schooling and waking up at 6 in the morning, it's all over. no more unnecessary screaming in my ears and no more sleeping on my desk. no more books to keep under the table, no more teachers to piss off.

it was a weird feeling, knowing i'm leaving this safe environment for the world ahead. but it's also really exciting. high school taught me a lot. the friends who matter, the people who care, the things to say and the hopes to avoid. but i don't think i learned as much from school as i did from the people i've met. school sucked, but i am most definitely gonna miss it.

SPM is in less than a week and all i'm concentrating on is studying, though things have come in my way. it's so weird to have it be so close to the date when i've been wondering about it ever since i started high school. what's it like ? how's it going to end ?

i've lost and gained some friends from my high school experience. some i've had for more than a decade, some who mean more to me than life itself, and some i couldn't possibly live without. i've made a home here and though it gets cold sometimes, i'll always be ready to come home and put my feet up. to just stop thinking and relax.

i know i've changed, but have you ?

so i guess, i'm on the brink again. which i obviously hate but i'm keeping it together for the sake of all my family and friends. i talked to Mum about it and she was more than helpful. she didn't condemn me or judge me. she just asked whether i needed any help and assured me that she would always be there for me.

Late saw the changes this time. the weirdness in my sleeping pattern and the awkwardness of my thoughts but this time, he didn't use it against me. i guess he was just scared cause he talked to Mum about it and that's real different coming from him.

it's funny, when they call me baby, my heart leaps and i feel all warm inside, like i mean something to them. but when he does it, i kinda wanna crawl into a hole just waiting for the next blow. i wonder what this would mean to him but i'm quite sure, i'm not special anymore so it's alright. never been, never will be, i guess.

he can't accept me and there's so much he says to deal with when he's with me. so i'm trying. i just wanna know i finally gave it my best. but then i just sit next to them and they make me feel so much better. they call me 'beautiful', even though i know it's hardly true but they're kind words and calm tones always make me feel so much better.

i've had so many tell me they loved me and yet, not one of them ever treated me like they did. it was weird. maybe, i made the wrong choices. but then here i go again, blaming everything on myself. i am hard, maybe that's why. i'm hard to cope with, hard to pursue, harder to please and even harder to accept.

but all i've ever been so far was myself and if he can't accept that, then maybe i'm just wasting my time. i don't know anymore, i have to clear my mind and talk this through since SPM is only 15 days away. though studying hasn't helped much. but i know i have to be good and move forward headstrong. for, this too shall pass.