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Hear The Sirens Call Me Home
Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I can't seem to sleep properly now. I used to be able to fall asleep easier, it was hard then but it seems so much harder now. Closing my eyes and reading my prayers doesn't seem to work anymore. My eyes just end up opening again and refusing to close.

A million and one thoughts keep running through my head and they won't let me rest. the just keep adding weight onto my heart. I'm trying to stay but I can't. My mind keeps bringing me so far away. Conversations only feels like background music now. The words people say tend to go in one ear and come out the next. I can't concentrate.

On another note, I celebrated the first day of Raya with my family. I made cupcakes and apparently everybody really liked them or so they told me. I got to go to all my late grandparents' graves and ended up crying at Tok Wan's grave. I felt like I was falling into a pit. I still feel like that.

There's this empty spot in my heart that seems to be letting all the bad things in and seems to be keeping all the good things out. This isn't me giving up, I'm not the kind of person but I am thinking about it. All these thoughts plague my mind and I try so hard not to fall apart every time someone gives me the look or tries to give me sympathy. I'm a wreck, I'm lonely. I'm so very lonely.

We Share The Same Soul
Saturday, August 27, 2011

Day 6

1. Family
2. X-Men
3. Friends
4. Boyfriend
5. A

Let Me Hold You Tightly As We Said All Our Goodbyes

with my eyes closed as I lied,
I think something in me died,
was it the need to stay,
or the wanting to run away ?
the painful feeling doesn't seem to leave,
a hurtful sigh, I heave,
I wanted to hold your hands,
to kiss your cheek,
to meet your new friends,
and watch you sleep,
I swear,
this seems so surreal,
did that really happen,
is this really how I feel ?
I woke up to know you were no longer there,
I tried so hard to not care,
but I couldn't help it,
this too, I swear,
I cried for you,
I cried for me too,
with everything replaying in my head,
I just wanted to hold you tightly,
I only wanted you in my bed,
I won't forget,
I won't forget you,
I'll go on remembering you,
and one day,
when this is all over,
I'll finally hold you,
so much closer.

I Can Live Without You But Without You I'll Be Miserable

Day 5

Not really day 5 but I've been super busy with college so do forgive me.

I've never regretted anything in my life because you learn from it. You're supposed to, right ? Otherwise, why would fucking up be so damned important and easy to do. You probably live under a rock if you've never fucked up but then living under a rock would be a mistake too.

You just can't tell you're doing something wrong until it actually happens or until you actually have to make the painstaking decision. So yeah, I don't have anything I wish I would have never done because I have fucked up but now I'm wiser and stronger than I've ever been and I will continue to fuck up because that would only be human of me.

My Eyes Were Dark Till You Woke Me
Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Day 4.

"Am I good enough ? Will I ever be good enough ?"

"What's for dinner today ?"

"I want a hot dog today. Like seriously."

"Being pretty isn't everything."

"Religion, how interesting."

"Politics ? Pffft, grown men, should act like grown men."

"Okay, you seriously have to wake up now."
"I'm sorry I won't be able to take care of you but
I love you and I'll miss you."

I Wish Nothing But The Best For You
Tuesday, August 16, 2011

There it is again
the pain in your eyes
I try to refrain
I try to believe the lies
certain times
I wonder
does he miss her ?
does he miss me ?
does he remember
even our faintest memories
true enough
I go back to
these questions
I act tough
and hide my expressions
because this is it
this is the fight
so take a seat
and switch off the light

Don't Forget Me, I Beg
Sunday, August 14, 2011

We spent the whole night talking on the phone just wishing we could fall asleep in each others' arms. Wishing we could kiss each other goodnight and cuddle the air out of each other. I'd kiss you all over your face over and over again just to keep you awake so you'd stay up and talk to me.

We seem so strong now and I thank God, I finally have someone who treats me the way you do but my thoughts keep bringing me forward to the day where I will have to leave and you'll leave and we'll try to make it work but we both know we won't be able to make it. So I'll pray that when I come back home, you'll be waiting for me. Because I know I would do the same for you.

Happy 6 months, Duckie. Remember, they didn't think we would make it, but you've made me the happiest I've ever been in a while. You take care of me and I love you so much, I feel weak on the inside. Just getting a text from you makes me smile like the world's biggest idiot. Now that out hairs somewhat match, I feel even geekier but you're my favourite comic book geek and I'll always be your movie freak.

We both know this won't end but who said we can't hope that maybe someday, we will actually spend our days sitting by the beach with cokes in our hands and the night sky full of stars shining on us.

"I can only love you more."

We'll get through this, baby, because I know all I'll ever need is you. Thanks, baby. Thanks for the best 6 months of this year.

We Were Born and Raised In A Summer Haze

Day 3.

Be yourself.
Being goofy would be a plus.
Don't be judgmental.
Have at least one talent.
Love any kind of music, as long as it is music.
Teach me something new.
Be there for me.
Take me for who I am.

Words Fall Through Me And Always Fool Me
Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Day 2.

I've been known to be
loud mouthed
sometimes a little
I don't bother to
brush my hair
but I have learned to
i tend to be
but never am I
i stand on my own
two feet
thoughts I tend to
though it's hard to understand
it's pretty simple
i write with my
right hand

I Better Find Your Love And I Better Find Your Heart
Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Day 1.

1. I wish I could show you how much I really do love you. My day doesn't start until I hear your voice and it doesn't end very well if you're not on the other line snoring away. I seem to have a need for your intellectual immaturity. I feel like a complete kid when I'm with you and we never run out of things to talk about. Even if it is the dumbest things. You piss me off so badly sometimes and you make me cry. Yet despite all that, I can't go a day without you. I really love you and it freaks me the hell out but yeah, I want to end up with you.

2. I think I'm mostly disappointed because unlike everybody else, I actually rely on you to make me feel better when things are down. Out of all the people there, I didn't think it would be you. Sure I felt bad but I thought maybe it would mean more to me than it would to you. After the whole thing, the best part was when you slammed the door on my face when I sent you home.

3. Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore ? Because now, I'm actually happy, even in my loneliest moments, I'm happy. I hope you never treat anybody else the way you treated me. Maybe it was karma what you did to me but no one else deserves it from you. Especially if they truly love you.

4. You're my best friend. I can't possibly imagine not having you around. Now that you started college again, I obviously won't get to see you very much but it's alright, we still have Skype. Thank you for being a true friend to me.

5. Hey, best friends, baby. I don't remember the exact time I said that to you but I know I've said it more than enough over the years. I still think it's pretty amazing how we ended up becoming so close and how we're still so close to this day. I couldn't imagine high school without you. Thank you for being there.

6. You're all grown up now, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared of it. You'll always be my baby and the thought that my baby is growing up freaks me the hell out but don't worry. I'll always be here to protect and even if one day, I'm not physically there, you know there will be some psycho ghost wherever you are calling you 'fatass'.

7. I'm sorry.

8. I'm sorry I'm no longer the grandchild you loved so dearly. I've obviously changed but I am more myself than I have ever been. I still do and say the things I did as a kid but I understand if seeing me all grown up is too hard for you. I still love you just as much and I still respect more than anyone else I know.

9. You were never really my saviour, which is why I always grew up looking out for myself and Yana but the way you make it out as if I owe you everything I have doesn't make any sense. I remember many things growing up but I guess you don't and you need to understand that I respect you but I will never look up to you.

10. You're amazing because you are who you are, no matter what anybody else says or thinks of you.

Well I've Been Afraid Of Changing
Tuesday, August 2, 2011

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