because this is all there is to it, to me.

wow, it's been a pretty long time since i actually updated here huh ? i didn't realise the days passing and all my time wasted. so yeah, trials are over and SPM is in less than a month and i am officially shitting myself. been studying but i know i should start studying more. so maybe i will.

everything has been pretty dull other than the usual gossip and drama. something my life is never without. the boys, the girls and their painful words. they just annoy me now, i don't even give a fuck anymore. it's always the same damned story all over again but i just gotta know, why ? when everything is finally working out well, why do you just pop out of nowhere and feed me this bullshit.

if this works out for the last time, then we'll always know that there is nothing that could possibly come between us but i know something is gonna come up and it'll just ruin us. maybe it's the other people or the distance in a few years but i am honestly trying. i just wish you were too.

you know, i think at one point i might have fallen in love with him if i had ever let myself. but i was just being me and pulled away when everybody told me to do otherwise. i guess i wasn't just about ready to handle that and neither did he but it was nice having someone who appreciated me and made me smile all because he could.

i read somewhere that we would have been magic. but i guess i didn't want that just yet but if it was meant to be then, in a few years, it would make sense. i'm sorry for not trying but we're no different. i think on some level we knew but now, we're done. i'll forever love your smile and the way you look at me. i might not love you, but i do care.

so i'll remember the way we danced, the way you held my hand, the way the peck made my stomach fill with butterflies, the way you called me baby, the way you blush and my favourite one of all, the way you accepted me, like nobody else ever could.

because i just wanna run and hide.

i'm afraid, am i doing something wrong ? i keep wondering what is going on. but i don't get it i just can't get rid of this feeling that seems to grip my very core. my heart races and all i can see are faces. i hate this, why can't i just make up my damned mind.

so hello my lovelies, how has your week been ? mine's been pretty good so far. only had to go to school for two days since the other three i didn't have any papers. and tomorrow would be the very end of my trials then i finally have my SPM. hopefully i do better than what i hope for.

followed Kak Leya to the last Hot FM Mini Jam for this year in Batu Pahat, Johor. it was fun, halfway through though. but that's kinda normal. followed Kak Leya around, took some pictures with some of the fans which was really weird since they were supposed to be there for everybody else but i had some fun with it.

i saw the usual bands, Sofaz and Jinbara play and of course, they were more than awesome. and i also finally saw Bunkface live for the first time and they were awesome. jumping off the six foot stage and running around with their cordless guitars. they were just awesome. i've loved them since Blast Off so suck on it !

all in all, it was a good weekend. i have a movie date with my girls tomorrow and of course, us being girls, we'll be dressing ourselves up and having our fun. i can't wait, i've missed them like hell and tomorrow will be my antidote.

because you shouldn't use love against someone, ever.

have you guys ever lost the love of your life ? the one person you see day and night ? the person you hold at night, the person who makes you laugh and cry, the one you don't regret anything when you're with them ? it's just a question and thank God, i've never had that happen to me but i know someone who has had that happen to them.

he's Tan Yew Leong, my daddy. Arwah Mak's husband. she left just like that and i remember when she left, he was so distraught, he could barely even control himself. i remember thinking, wondering what that feeling would be like. God willing, i'll never have to have that happen to me.

this is just a post for my daddy. i don't think i'll ask him to read this but this is just so everybody else knows how much he means to me, though i don't seem to have the time to see him. he's such a strong man and every time i see him, he never fails to give me a big smile and his best hugs. he really is a wonderful man.

i saw a picture of him and Mak on their wedding day once, and i think it was one of the most amazing pictures i had ever seen. it was so beautiful, though simple but just by looking at it, you could feel their happiness. i'm so sorry for your loss, daddy.

Happy Birthday.