♥ This Be Just Like The Present, To Be Showing Up Like This
Monday, December 30, 2013
Quickly another year has gone by again but the difference this time is that I've never felt this kind of sadness before. I don't want to feel this sadness, I want to be hopeful about the future.
But the future scares me so.
This year has been filled with so many painful moments but also with so many highs. I've cried my eyes out this year and I've laughed way too much. I finished college this year, I got a job and was able to meet so many people and make so many connections. My hearts swells when I think of the people who have brightened up this year for me.
But I still wanna cry.
Because this year has been so beautiful for me. I got to make my first short film, I got to go to five raves and so many other events. I got to work with people I really looked up to and honestly, this year, I finally started growing up. I started to forgive myself. I started to look on the brighter side of things. I started to even be critical of my work. I even started fighting the battles I should have so long ago.
And now, I'm just so scared.
I'm scared of next year because next year brings forth a whole new kind of adventure. It'll have me leave my beloved country and family. It'll see me fending for myself. It will bring more pain for me and even more tears but I'm not quite sure there'll be as great a feeling as this at the end of next year.
I've never felt like this before at any New Years. I feel scared. Scared to lose my childhood. Scared to lose the things I held so dear for years. So scared of where it will bring me in the future. People always tell you about being 21 but they never tell you about being 20 when you're still learning. When you have to come to grips with the pains of living. When you have to finally be the adult in certain situations. When you start realising that as you grow older, so does everyone else.
Happy New Years. Thank you, 2013. You were very important. When I'm so much older, I will look back at you and be able to smile at all the memories, at all the thoughts. I'll compare the differences in myself and everybody else. I'll look back and thank you for giving me a good to be a twenty year old. I loved you, truly.