Saturday, January 31, 2009
every night, right before i go to sleep, i'll pray. asking Allah for forgiveness and thanking Him. it is very calming when you know there's always something watching over you. i make mistakes like every other human being, but i take comfort in the fact that Allah is there.
i'm at the point in life, where i haven't thought everything through. i'm still figuring everything out. and having something true always makes it easier.
Tok Wan, my mother's father, is getting weaker by the day. hopefully he won't leave so soon. i couldn't bear the thought. especially after Tok's passed away. i miss her terribly. but i do know that she's peaceful, where ever she is.
people used to ask me, whether i believed in god. i could never give them a straight enough answer, when the only thing i would say " Yes."
Kak Leya told me a story about me when i was little. apparently i spent my days staring at the Quran, smiling and laughing, clapping my hands as if someone was putting on a show. i'd have a huge fit if they took me somewhere else, or turned me around.
so yes, God is a very big part of my life.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
i have come to the decision to start a diary.
with everything going on right now, i thought i might as well start documenting my life. just in case i think of suicide. KIDDING !
right now, i just feel like there's no one there for me. even my girls don't understand what i'm going through. because it's just so complicated. i can't even begin to explain it to myself. my family is going through it's own problems. with Kak Leya's twins coming in and Kak Nani moving out and all.
so maybe, the diary will help me out. hopefully it would be a lot easier than my blog. i'm going to make sure NOBODY reads it. it will be my little sanctuary from all the chaos.
♥ Why ?
Monday, January 26, 2009
God, i'm so angry. i just want to scream my lungs out. i want to throw things. i want to break things. how could he do that ? threatening me with his life ?! he doesn't fucking love me ! he WANTS to see me miserable and unhappy ! how dare he do that, with my whole family in the house ?! i eat with that fucking knife, the selfish bastard.
what the fuck did i do to deserve all this ? was i that bad of a girlfriend ? he made me cry, again ! why can't he just leave me alone ?! do i have to kill myself ? he is sooo full of shit ! he doesn't love me ! what does he want ? fuck ! he's such a hypocrite !
what's the point ? he's cheated on me, pretended i wasn't there, made me feel like i was nothing, he's done so much that i can't even list any down !
how is it he can help every other girl out there, but that hypocritical, lying piece of shit can't help me. he's not worth it. i hate him. i don't even love him anymore which is a big up. i hate him.
i hate you Ku Azfarhadi. and this is your loss, big time.
♥ Silver Lining
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Lately, there have been things that have brought my spirit down. like having Eddy's hypocritical ass bug me all the time. friends stabbing me in the back and even family problems i will never ever discuss.
but throughout all this, i can still smile when i think back to the other things. the silver lining on a rain cloud. like how my older sister will soon have babies. i can just imagine their laughter ringing in my house walls. their faces lighting up a room. i smile over the fact that they'll be brought up by my very own Kak Leya, a natural mother. she might get angry but she really does have one of the biggest hearts i know.
the next thing is, my girls. Vee, Pawan, Dee, Shasha and Sophie, without fail can cheer me up so easily. they are always there which is always refreshing.
and last but not least, i found some of the greatest new friends. Daniel, Shahmim, Ali and Surendran. they all go to TBM except for Daniel, who betrayed them and went off to BU4. but hey, i still love hanging out with them. Daniel is Daniel :) he's always there to chat with. even if he is sleeping most of the day. Shahmim is sooo cute la. He's like my Big Friendly Giant. Ali is my "abang". he is THE biggest jackass i know. but hey, he's cool and i have a lot of fun hanging out with him. Suren on the other hand, i used to hate this guy, and i mean HATE but now he's sooo much nicer. he has definitely changed for the better.
so i guess, being positive is a good thing.
♥ Tagged by Pawan
[x] Name: Leysha
[x] Eye colour: Light Brown / Hazel
[x] Hair colour: Brown
[x] Righty or Lefty: Righty Baby
[x] Zodiac sign: Leo Bitch !
[x] Pepsi or coke: Pepsi
[x] McDonald’s or Burger King : both
[x] Adidas or Nike: Jimmy Choo !
[x] Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
[x] Cappuccino or coffee : ughh, neither
[x] Smoke : Used to.
[x] Take a shower : two times a day or more.
[x] Have a crush[es] : HAHA i love "crushing".
[x] Do you think you’ve been in love? : sadly, yes.
[x] Want to get married : See first la.
[x] Believe in yourself : always !
[x] Play an instrument : Barely able to play guitar.
---HAVE YOU EVER---
[x] Missed school because it was raining? : Always.
[x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them? : Yeah.
[x] Cried during a Movie? : Never.
[x] Had a crush on a teacher? : EWWW !
[x] Been in a fight: HAHA yeah.
[x] Number of boyfriends/Girlfriends you’ve had: 3
[x] Number of people I could trust with my life: My family = 5.
[x] Number of CDs that I own: I have absolutely no idea.
[x] Number of tattoos: I wish !
[x] Number of things in my past that I regret: no regrets.
---DO YOU BELIEVE IN---
[x] Yourself: eeyeah.
[x] Your friends: only my closest friends.
[x] Santa Claus: i don't even celebrate christmas anymore.
[x] Ghosts: yeah
[x] God: of course.
---FRIENDS AND LIFE---
[x] Do you ever wish you had another name?: Nahh, i looovee me name.
[x] Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: No, WOOHOO !
[x] Do you like anyone?: shhh !
[x] Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: no one, we're all soooo different, which is the best.
[x] Who have you known the longest of your friends?: Ikhwan Ariff.
[x] Who do you hang around the most?: Vee, Pawan, DeeDee and Eddy.
[x] What's the best feeling in the world?: Happiness, i don't feel it tht often ok ! sheesh, :)
[x] Worst Feeling?: Love, ugghh.
---IN THE LAST 24 HOURS---
[x] Cried: nope.
[x] Worn jeans: yeap.
[x] Met someone: yes.
[x] Talked on the phone:yeap, with mummy !
[x] Best eye color: Anything,
[x] Best hair color: NATURAL PLEASE !
[x] Best height: taller than me.
[x] Best weight: tak kira pon.
[x] Best first date location: a mamak ! heehee
♥ Drama !
Thursday, January 22, 2009
my life literally, and i mean literally reeks of drama ! from my friends to my family to my relationships and even my school studies are full of drama. i swear to god, if they made a series out of me and my friends, they'd have a hit BIGGER than One Three Hill or even Sex and the City.
man, i need a break. thank god, i have friends in Taman Bukit Maluri that i can run away to.
oh wells, updates then;
DRFD is back on, the boys just had a fallout.
I recently found out that one of my closest friends has a problem with me. she obviously doesn't tell it to my face, so whatever. me and my other friends are trying to avoid her, however hard that will get. i don't get it. was i really that bad of a friend ah ?
Relationship wise, i'm SO close to getting over him, but he always has to make it hard haihh. i am interested in somebody but i don't know wether i 'LIKE' him. don't ask, i won't tell who.
Cheer is on, Drama isn't, which is quite the relief, since cheer will take up most of my time. the auditions was ok la. some girls were good and some flopped which was sad.
Me and my girls are forming a band :
Shasha ( Lead Guitars )
Pawan ( Rhythm Guitars ) Vocals
Sophie ( Keyboardist )
DeeDee ( Drums )
Leysha ( Bass Guitars )
Vee ( Manager ) HAHA !
We'll be 'The Dollhouse' most probably. and we'll all have a nickname, a kind of doll. i happen to be The Porcelain Doll. HEE
Life's being a bitch, but i'm still loving it. and i doubt, i'll ever stop.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
♥ Goodbye Then
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Dead Roses For Darla
we no longer exist.
i'll miss hanging out at Mcd's after a jamm
or at 3 in the morning.
I'll miss head banging for fun.
I'll miss Mukhlis' spomtaneous drumbeats.
I'll miss seeing Rais so malu.
I'll miss Alann's head banging.
I'll miss Eddy's spontaneous riffs.
i guess there's officially nothing i can do.
they've made up their mind.
but the least they could have done
was tell it to Eddy's face
cause this meant to him more than anything
it's just sad to see friends do such things.
♥ Where Am I ?
Where am i ?
this girl happens to be the best.
she's short and sweet,
she can't be beat.
she loves me,
i love her,
she's very happy,
she lives in Kenanga.
i'm in Vee's house people ! and i am bored.
CHEER is ON !
i'm planning Daniel's birthday.
i watched Four Christmasses.
I'm in accounts class.
I love my life, bitches !
Monday, January 12, 2009
" I Love You "
is this line tossed around too easily ? i think it is. especially at this age. i mean, i'm only 16 but i've heard that line so many times i could puke. not literally that is. i just wanna know, how do you know that you've fallen in love. that it's for real ? i guess i'm just being cynical bu also realistic cause, looking back, a few divorced couples have said their fair shares of " i love you " and " your my everything ". but does it last ? this love crap.
Sex and the City
Charlotte : It's said you only get two great loves in your whole life.
great loves are lovers who shakes your core and changes you. can i ask, is this bull ? i must admit, i do love a happy ending but those get boring sometimes, don't you think ?
maybe i'm just bored, i don't know.
i ask a lot of questions. what's love ? how do you know you're in love ? what happens when your in love ? what makes it so easy to fall in love ?
to me, love is a chemical in body that generates endorphins. you know you're in love when you know unlikeable things about the person but you still wake up every morning to see their face. butterflies happen, you stutter, your palms sweat when you even think of them and their the last thing you see right before you go to sleep. falling in love makes you happy, even when you're hurt. that's love to me.
one last question ?
could i really be your only one ?
Friday, January 9, 2009
i have officially found a few new friends, Daniel
, who i used to hate. Daniel
and i used to go to SKTBM together. and i recently met them at the after PMR party. i was so ecstatic, it was amazing.
we've been hanging out quite alot lately. and i've been having a blast. out of the three, i'm closest to Daniel. this boy is a real good friend. he even listens ! we share common interests and we can argue about anything which makes everything even more fun. he shocked me the other day but it made me smile.
Daniel : I just think my life sucks.
Leysha : Well, mine does too but you have to overlook the bad and go on sometimes.
Daniel : Sorry for being selfish. :\
Leysha : Don't worry about it. :)
i usually don't write smileys but i just had to show it. he had done something totally weird in my book, he realised he was being selfish and even apologised, no egos. so, that made me smile, oddly.
♥ Tagged By Dee
Thursday, January 8, 2009
01. 1 a.m: I pretend to go to sleep.
02. I love it when: I'm all alone in my room, listening to my music, reading a good book.
03. Karl Lagerfeld is: one of the most famous designers there is. he enjoys designing things that are young and hip.
04. Tomorrow: is only another tick in my calender.
05. I have to confess: i love expensive gifts even if i don't ask for them.
06. If I had one million dollars I would: Save and use it when i have absolutely nothing better to do.
07. The future: is my tomorrow and i love it.
08. Maybe I should: move on and go for it.
09. I am tagging: Ariff, Yana, Jazelia, Eddy.
1. What’s your ambition?
Engineer or Author or Businesswoman.
2. What do you like the most about your siblings?
they make me laugh.
3. Are you looking for a boyfriend?
not at all.
4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
probably not but then again i wouldn't know.
5. How many babies you want?
Three ? i'd leave it up to the big guy.
6. Are you satisfied with what you have right now, at this very moment?
always be thankful.
7. What is your goal for this year (2009)?
to finally be happy. to forgive and move on.
8. Do you think you're clever?
nope. i can be pretty stupid when it comes to things.
9.What’s a perfect girlfriend/boyfriend like to you? (List 10)
- he's there when i need him
- someone i can trust
- not over-protective
- someone i can talk to
- someone who's not afraid of me
- he trusts me
- he loves me
- he's perfect to me but not to anybody else
10. Do you ever wonder where you would end up after you die?
yea. i'm muslim. think positive !
11. What are your bad habits?
chewing my fingernails, following my moods, i tend to criticise people for no reason.
12. Do you love shopping?
yes, i might be a tomboy but shopping is in the blood.
13. State a random fact about yourself?
I'm hurt myself.
14. What does flying means to you?
flying is when your heart no longer belongs to you but flies off searching for the right one. deep, huh ?
15. What do you crave for the most currently?
music, life and oddly enough, him.
16. Describe the person that tagged you in 7 words.
Deedee is my Hachiko, so back off !
17. Are you currently single?
yeap. i wish he'd understand that,
18. What is in your mind now?
Mayday Parade, i love you !
19. Do you believe in fate?
yeah, i guess.
20. Who do you want to be 10 years later?
a young, hot, independent, successful 25 year old, ME.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
one word, Urgghhh
haha, i guess its not that bad. i just never really clicked in school. but i'm glad i have my friends. turns out, Harith is coming to my school. so that'll be an experience.
i'm in Accounts. which is apparently a really good class. so, whatever.
i have a couple of very good teachers. Pn. Aliza and Pn. Ezreen are a couple of my fave teachers so i'm real happy for that. i sit next to Kartik, or better known to Choo as Paprik. which is very calming. because Kartik doesn't say a single word. and i'm not joking. Vee and Choo sit in front of me. I didn't want to sit with Eddy because i know, that would have been pretty uncomfortable. so yeah.
Sophie and Pawan are in Pure Science. and to his absolute dislike, so is Tana. Shasha and Fat are in Perdagangan, which is hilarious because they happen to find each other, extremely irritating.
i actually want to look for a school that has an English Literature stream. but so far, the only one i know of is Assunta. and that is not only mahal but also very far frm my house. haihs
oh well, school is school. and i am an official form 4 student. a junior-senior, if u may.
♥ Miserable At Best
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
i'm so tired of the pain. i'm tired of giving and not getting anything back, as selfish as that might sound. i have other things to think about. i need to live my life. but he won't let me do that. i need to do this alone. without his sympathy.
he dangles his life in front of my face. using it as bait or better yet, a threat. thats unfair. real unfair. too unfair.
i can't stand it, i don't want to see his face anymore. i just want him to leave me alone. i know there's a big chance of me being very lonely but i have my girls. and i happen to be at the age where my girls are enough. and love will just come and go.
i want to be happy, is that too much to ask ? with him, i often ask what was it i did wrong. but i'm getting rid of this heartache and i don't care how.
but i'm going to preserve what little happiness i have left, no matter what.
♥ A Love Song
Monday, January 5, 2009
Left your t-shirt in my room, still smells of you
And the picture you hung on the door lay smashed, picture perfect.
Explains now, clearly nothing left but a memory
We only made out you never kissed me that's how I learned to hold back all feeling
Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay.
I'm ok, Its alright, good to know that your
Pretending everything is right, to make it better.
I'll hide my make up smeared eyes, to show that I tried
Some how you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did.
And if every whole makes a scar and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace.
And it'll never be fair, I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared.
So Ill forget you, Ill wash your t-shirt, kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures
Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay.
I'm ok, Its alright, good to know that your fine
Pretending everything is right, to make it better.
I'll hide my make up smeared eyes
this drama sat shot gun
my eyes rained like autumn
only the glove box knows
how the story goes
now that this bandage is broken and
the cuts left in open
ill tell you just one thing
this wasn't worth the sting
Make-up smeared eyes
by Automatic Loveletter
♥ Tagged By Pawan
all the turn on and turn off's i find in men. at least the ones i can think of.
- Makes me laugh
- A nice body
- A sweet voice
- Mysterious eyes
- Plays sports
- Smells like HIM
- A real good dancer
- Too immature
- Thinks too much of himself
- No sense of fashion
- Listens to the Jonas Brothers
- Too anti-social
- Doesn't read books
- Shallow thinking
♥ No More
Sunday, January 4, 2009
i leaned on the wall hugging my legs to my chest when he let me go. he hugged me so tightly, it hurt. i pulled away when he tried to hold my hand. i kept my head down, to hide my tears. he kept saying he was sorry but i just couldn't take it anymore. the burning hate i had overwhelmed me. i just needed to get off of this roller-coaster ride.
i cried so much in my room, it hurt my eyes. i just wanted to punch something. i could hear my mother calling, her banging on the door. but i just couldn't do anything. i was just so fed up. i think i scared her. sister tried calming me down, asking what was wrong. but i couldn't say.
because that was when i knew i was done.
♥ Luke Thomas Pickering
Thursday, January 1, 2009
i am going to miss you, you perv ! i can't wait till next June. i'll run and jump onto you and i won't let go. we should slow dance some more. hopefully, i won't be too bored when Yana and Harith are lovey-dovey. you are officially the sweetest perv i know. i can't wait for you to do the 'Go Girl' dance for me again. and we can go swimming, but i still won't take my top off.
i love you, Lukie !
♥ New Years
instead of counting down new years at some crowded place, i did it in the comfort of my own home. a barbeque of course. it was such a blast. we ate, we DANCED and we moshed. it was so much fun. i wished the night didn't end. but as always, it did. thank god, i had my girls. Pei Wen, Vee and Dee. and my favourite boys. it was the perfect new years.
my mum took a few pictures, so i'll upload em, later on.
Daniel : i don't want 2008 to end.
Leysha : i kinda do.
Daniel : this was the best year i ever had.
Leysha : me too, not counting the heartaches.
♥ PMR Results