Your Personal

And I'm Never Gonna Make It Like You Do
Saturday, April 27, 2013

It's funny. I knew that if it wasn't for college, we wouldn't be friends. I'm not stupid. If I didn't pretend, I would have never been able to survive the last two years with you. With your constant complaining and constant bragging, I always wished I had a handgun with me. Only so I could shoot myself in the face when I really couldn't understand why I was even listening to the things you said.

I'm angry but not really. Not anymore at least because now I have come to terms with everything but I am hurt. I'm hurt that I almost believed we were friends. I'm hurt that I wasted so much time for you to turn around and treat me like this. It was fine, when it was me getting shot, we would still be friends, is what you said but the minute you didn't get what you wanted, you excluded me. You probably bitched about me behind my back, tried to get everyone on your side. Made everyone pity you and move further from me. Exchanged stories about how bitchy I was or how annoying I was and how you handled me, being very proud of yourselves at that moment. It's fine because I admit, I did the very same thing.

You said it yourself, I always saw the silver linings in things. And now, I'm doing what I do best, and I see the silver lining with this because now, I won't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I won't have to make you happy or help with your self-esteem issues. I have my own to handle.

I'm sad, of course I'm sad but I've had this happen to me before and I won't make the same mistakes. I won't let you back in, just so you can take advantage of that. I'll listen to your stories and such but there won't be emotional input anymore. I have better things to do with my emotions. I'd rather be on my own then with you because what you did to me was unfair and uncalled for. I was only trying to do my job.

I'm not going to explain myself to you because that would be too tiring. You already have an idea in your head and I won't be the one trying to change it. I'm not going to be the one who's going to constantly call you pretty so you feel better about yourself. I'm not going to be part of your pity party. I'm done with that and I am done with you.

You Can Be My Full Time Baby, Hot or Cold
Sunday, April 14, 2013

But I've got a war in my mind.

I feel like a character in one of Virginia Woolf's short stories. Where they know they're not happy but they can never understand why. Then, they realise that the answer was right there in front of them the whole time. They just ignored it because they couldn't accept it. And now, I am at the point in the story where I have just realised why but I'm not really sure on how. How to get rid of it, how to handle it, how to overcome it.

Maybe it's just me, you know? I am at constant war with myself in my head. Just because I can't really go to war with others. It would waste my time. There's no real fight anymore. No real interest in anything. Nothing I eat tastes good. Nothing I watch seems any good. Nothing anyone says seems to be of any importance. I'm a blank piece of paper people can just pour their emotions onto and I'll absorb it but nothing much really comes out of it.

I am a ranting buffoon inside my head but a complete idiot outside. Keeping my mouth shut about how I feel so when I can take it out on other things, I do. It's stupid, I know but so far, I seem to be only particularly good at doing stupid things.

There is no one I can really talk to. I need someone I can talk to. Because I just realised how much I hate you. How much I despise you're very existence in my life. I can't breathe. I've never been so filled up with rage and never been able to say it. I do this all the time. I hold it all in until I don't know how to let it out. All the bitter memories linger in my body, becoming a part of me until I can't get rid of them.

I am a mess of a woman, or a girl, or whatever. I'm losing myself too much at a time and I need to do something before I really lose myself. Already I pretend to not hear people and I pretend to not see things, just because I can't handle it. I'm turning into a coward. I am turning into one of them. I don't want to. My mother brought me up better than that. I have better worth. I need to.

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