Labels: secretzen

all i want right now, if to hear your voice. i wanna hear you say you're sorry. i want to hear you say that you miss me and that you need me. and after your big speech, i'll leave you. i'll leave you with your words. i'll watch you fall like how you watched me fall. i love you, and i know you do but

it's 5 in the morning. watching Sex and the City for the past 2 hours. and it has been fun. some parts can be real funny and i mean it.

but lately there's only been one thing on my mind. my future.

i'm only sixteen but i'm going through so much more than a sixteen should. hanging around with my friends, i've been pretty distant. my head just seems to wander every once in a while. i don't even realise i'm doing it until someone taps me on the leg and asks me if i'm alright.

with everything i'm going through. i have to constantly remind myself that i'm sixteen.


my heart feels so heavy. now that it's back, it's brought all kinds off feelings with it. and i have no idea how to deal with it.

i put on my black tank top and i'm ready to go. i reach out for the doorknob but my hand stops short. i fall onto my knees, i'm sweating profusely. i can't breathe. i try to scream for help but i know no one will hear me. so many images are running through my head.

"what's going on?!", i keep asking myself.

i feel so hopeless. i start to cry. i cry and cry until i'm out of tears.

"Arghh!!", i scream.

i can't take it. i'm dumbfounded. so many feelings, so many emotions. so i just sit on my floor thinking. i know this is going to hurt, badly. but i'm glad.


welcome back, Heart

Labels: secretzen

you sat next to me
and we watched the pink sky
you couldn't promise me
that you would never make me cry
we watched the sun set
as everything passed us by
i looked at you
and you made me smile
i got up and left
i couldn't look back
i couldn't possibly look back
i looked up at the stars
there you were, behind it all
you filled my heart
and filled my head
hey darkness
let's go to bed
my heart
i'll keep
my dreams
you'll miss
my thoughts
you'll never ever reminisce

Labels: secretzen

The cold November wind
Whispers a tune tonight
Reminds me that I am all alone
Sitting in my bedroom
I am trying to imagine you by my side
As I close my eyes and drift away
Into my world
Where everything stays the same
Cause I don't want to live for the future
The past is my only solitude

Baby I am missing you
And nobody knows it but me
More than your kisses baby
Your letters mingles in my soul

It's been 12 months and 12 cold nights
Since I seen your face
I am wondering what you're doing tonight
As I close my eyes and drift away

I've heard you found somebody new
Does he love you, does he care about you the way I do
People tell me that I am dreamer
Why can I get it over
This feelings of being in a trance with you

I wish I could turn back time
Like these songs I have heard a million times
Baby make it right
Baby make it right

Baby I am missing you
And nobody knows it but me
More than your kisses baby
Your letters mingles in my soul

It's been 12 months and 12 cold nights
Since I seen your face
I am wondering what you're doing tonight
As I close my eyes and drift away

I'm drifting away.

went to see Daddy last night at TGIF. he brought Shana along. but i felt really bad with everybody at the table being so bising and stuff. i missed him. he looks good, better at least. he's taking this hard. he's been avoiding all his friends which is why it shocked Yana and I when he agreed to have dinner with us. i really love him and i feel bad for not being able to help him through this. but what's a girl to do ?

i just think she's in another country and she's going to come back soon and ajak us out to tell us her latest story. i see her face in the newspapers and i have to remind myself she's gone. but she was an angel and an angel's place is by God's side. i miss her terribly but i can't possibly know what Daddy is feeling. 16 years with someone and they're suddenly gone.

i hope Daddy'll get better soon. i hear Mak and Abah aren't doing too good as well. but we all mourn in our own ways. we deny, we get angry and take it out on others, then we feel guilty for what we could or should have done, and finally, just maybe, we accept it and move on.

He tells everybody else how big of a slut she is. He tells everybody she's useless and stupid. and she moves on, trying to ignore everything. he turns into someone else and he criticizes her for being who she really is. but behind all this he is still in love with her, he still thinks about her and he still yearns for her. and plus, he's got somebody else.

and all his friends try to convince her but they don't. they try reminding her of the good times. but what's the point ? when she remembers the good times very well. they say the new girl is nothing like her. she knows it's true because she knows everybody is different and that the new girl is her own kind of person.

apparently, he's not over her but he sure as hell acts like it.

so get the hell of me arse !

now what ? i don't have a June 2009 blog. :P

oddly enough, i woke up at ten on Saturday. after getting ready, we headed off to La Salle PJ, me, Pei Wen and Yana. there was a dance competition there. and it was biasa je lah. La Salle boys irritate me with the way they think and act. so we left early, yeay ! and headed off to Akarkarya. i wanted to go to Curve but Pei Wen and Yana insisted. so after an hour of dancing in the dance studio, we created half of our cheer routine.

after that i took a cab to Curve. i met Dee and all at Cineleisure, the exact same place where i met Mat Saleh. i was laughing at the fact when i was going up the escalator and i saw Dee at the top. she quickly ran up to me and hugged and pulled me to the side.

i met Logan and Adam, they were so much fun. Adam was emo but Logan was cute. and apparently he wants to see me again. soo yeah. i don't mean to be mean but i can't feel anything so i wouldn't know much about how i feel. so hopefully he won't end up liking me.

we watched a movie. an awesome movie, at that. Gamer. the movie line and concept was original and fun and interesting. of course, Dee made me sit next to Logan but it was okay.


after the movie, they're friend Miraj sent me to One Utama where i met up with Vee and Lee at the New York Deli. we played a little softball then left for home with an expensive fee and a cab driver that drove like a bitch. but all in all i had a great time, the whole day through. in one day, i hung out with all my closest friends and even made new ones.

here's my situation,

i kinda knew what was coming when we were walking.

he said the sweetest things, the right things. and it felt nice. but what's going to happen ? he's not asking me to feel bad and he's not rushing me. i'm rushing me. i guess i just need time to digest everything he said. some of which was real personal. but it felt good. it felt safe. is this too fast for you ? i have no idea whether it's too fast for me. i can't think.

i wish i had my heart, then i could just tell him what i feel. but it's not here and i have no idea what i'm feeling or doing. he's letting me think of course. which is what i'm grateful for. i'm not going to think too much into it. i just want my heart back so i'll know what to do.

give me my heart, and no one gets hurt. hopefully

everytime i get back from school or anywhere. everytime i come home, i'll look forward to seeing them. helping feed em and dodoi-ing them is the highlight of my day. i miss them when i go out. and i can't let go of them when i get to carry them. they're my favourite nieces, they're my only nieces, so yeah.

aren't they just adorable ?! they've gotten A LOT fatter now, so don't worry about it, the pics are a little old. god, i just wanna bite em !

i just very recently, got calls from two of my dear yet far to reach friends.

Dee and Choo

Dee called me up asking whether i was single and straight. after a little bit of laughing she let me know she wanted to hook me up with a friend of hers. so i'm cool with it i guess. i don't know the guy. and he's not looking for a serious relationship, so GREAT. we're going out ! yeay. lama tak nampak si kerempeng tu. i'm going to take her out to get a baju kurung. hopefully, we can find something nice and comfortable for the girl. since it is her first raya.

i saw missed calls on my phone at around 2.30am and it was Choo. so i called him back. after a while, i made him call me back. man, i missed that boy. it was so much fun. we just talked and laughed, talked and laughed about the dumbest things out there. he asked about everybody at Bsd(2) and i asked about him at Bu(4). we talked for almost an hour then he wanted to go to sleep. hopefully we'll get to lepak this weekend. i really missed the bugger lah.

that was fun, now time to mandi and off to school. ughh school.

Vee asked me this a while ago.

my answer ?
yes

what am i supposed to do ? i literally feel a hole in me chest where my heart should be. as if my heart just got bored and decided to fly away. as if it's mad at me for ignoring love so it went off to look for it on it's own.

i'm incapable of feeling. i can't cry. i laugh because i can. but i just do very little of feeling. i'm not sad, i'm not happy, i'm not guilty, i'm lost. tired and lost. i feel bad for my friends. they have so many problems. i can't help much but give them comfort in my words. but how does that help when i can't ossibly understand what they went through.

"i wish i could cry for you."

i really really don't want to fall for anybody right now. it'll just hurt. but so many things are getting in the way. what if my heart comes back and i fall, hard ? what do i do then ? i'm falling over the edge trying not to break down. maybe i can love but i'll hate myself. i'm not the ideal peson to love. i'm cranky, i have terrible mood swings and i can be terribly mean for no bloody reason.

school today was biasa je lah ! nothing interesting. other than the fact that Ong didn't come ! so awesome. okay, i must admit i am a little hyper. didn't sleep the whole night, again. going to nap soon in a while. in the middle of Ong not coming i put my iPod on shuffle and i am now officially addicted to Lady Gaga's "Boys Boys Boys". it's so cute. i started singing it after that. Lee and Harith started getting irritated but i don't care ! i love it. the arrangement, the lyrics. the whole song is just so much fun. i was practically dancing at the bus stop.

Labels: secretzen

i wanna watch a movie. movies, in fact. real good ones. maybe i should ajak Vee and all. we can go on Wednesday and Friday. ooh ! i'm getting so excited. i need a movie buddy. someone i don't necessarily hang out with but someone i can have fun watching a movie with. too bad Mat Saleh went back. could have ajak him. hmmph nevermind. i know other men. *keningkening*

i'm looking forward to Jennifer's Body especially. come on people, a high school girl that eats boys ? how hot is that. i don't really care that its Megan Fox but the storyline sounds real interesting. so, anybody up for a movie ?

Yana : this song is so for Leysha.
Leysha : what ? why ?
Yana : just listen ?
Leysha : for who ?
Yana : exactly. just read the lyrics lah.