• Study Harder
• Be Hardworking
• Make More People Laugh
• Meet New People
• Take On More Responsibility

we sat in a circle telling each other what we wanted and all our resolutions. we played guitars and sung songs. we even ran into the streets talking about New Years. so i hear, 2010 is going to be awesome. wanna bet ?

one thing i realised about this year's party is that, i lost so many friends this year. and that fact is really disappointing. i miss everybody. oh well, that is what they call growing up.

Labels: secretzen

i got a call from Dee early when i woke up. i missed most of her calls when i was babysitting. but i ran up when i heard my phone ring again. i picked it up and i knew already. so i asked Mak, and she let me go to her house. Kak Leya sent me, after 2 and a half hours of me waiting in an office. but yeah, she sent me.

i reached her house and her dad let me in. i said hi to the mum when she was in the kitchen. i have no idea why, but it felt good to see the parents again. maybe cause they looked real happy. they looked purely and genuinely happy.

so spent half the day with Dee. and yes, i had a blast. she needed me and when i got there, i needed her too. so good to talk to her finally. her house is huge ! looks small from the outside but when i walked in, i was like, whoa ?

all we did was talk. just talked and talked and it felt real good. i missed her alot.

she's unhappy but at least she knows that i'll be here for her whenever she needs me. hearing her talk made me realise, how thankful i should be. emo as i am, i am thankful.

time to start another year without a good friend of mine, Luke.

you were always such a good friend Luke. so sweet, horny, but sweet. you would always think about us and made us laugh. and you have one of the world's craziest heads on your shoulders.

no worries. maybe sometime next year, you'll come back again. maybe not. and if so, i'll buy a bloody plane ticket and fly there, just to see you ! :P

i love you, Lukie, you're my best friend.

you know that bullshit of a list to tell guys how to be a good boyfriend ? i found it on a friend's blog and decided to put a little twist of mine into it. so watch out, puns definitely intended.

When you break Leysha's heart - the pain NEVER goes away

when Leysha misses you - you better miss her too

when Leysha says it's over - she's bored

when Leysha posts this - she's irritated with your stupidity

when Leysha walks away from you mad - you'd better stay away

when Leysha stares at your mouth - you have something between your teeth

when Leysha pushes you or hits you - be ready for an ass whooping

when Leysha starts cursing at you - she's being sweet

when Leysha ignores you - it's going to be a while

when Leysha pulls away - it means don't touch me, seriously

when Leysha looks like shit - tell her she looks like shit

when Leysha starts to cry - just be there

when Leysha's scared - she might just need you

when Leysha doesn't answer for a long time - it means she's thinking !

when Leysha says she like you - she's lying


so how ? effed up right. thank you thank you *bows*. now off to bed.

my eyes hurt. i don't get it. i slept at like 12 and i woke up at 5. i mean, what in the world is going on here ?! i'm so tired. i really wanna go back to sleep but my body doesn't seem interested in that.

i've been pretty busy nowadays. with all kinds of bullshit. my mind spins a lot. causing me to snap at friends or just not talk for some time. i don't get it. i've become so mean, i gotta stop. somebody even said i might just need a shrink. but they said they were gonna help. guess not, huh ?

New Years soon. how you guys celebrating it ?

Labels: secretzen

i had an awesome Christmas Eve. Yana, Harith, Brandon, Ali, Lee and i hung out at curve. we walked and talked and played around with soap snow. which was fun. Yana and i originally planned to just watch a movie then leave. but by the time we got out, there were already so many people all over the place.

after a bit, Mak came to get us, and we sent everybody back. now we're watching tv and just sitting on the couch. imma go watch Muallaf tomorrow. come with me, yeah ?

okay, i'm real tired now. Merry Christmas, guys. have fun with everything. and remember, Chrstmas is about giving. Merry Christmas Kak Nani ! who happens to be far away right now. she better be happy. loves

nobody gets it and i'm so tired or having to explain everything to them over and over again. don't fuck around with me. i'm so unhappy and all these motherfuckers can do is smile and laugh in my face. i am genuinely pissed off. i feel so forgotten, so useless. i hate this. my depression doesn't exactly help.

they're not helping either, stressing out all the bloody time. i can't stand it. there always has to be something wrong, or we won't live. we always need to stress out all the time. for no reason pun nak. i'm just so tired.

they never help. abandoning me for all they care. what the hell do you want me to do ? i'm so tired of having to take care of their feelings. i'll tell them something and just like that, they'll forget. this isn't even right. malas lah kena layan engkau dengan segala benda. you never fucking help. susah betul for you to actually look at me when i'm talking. you're so fucking preoccupied with yourself and everybody else but me.

i wanna fall over. i wanna crawl into a deep black hole and just stay there until everybody finally leaves me alone. i can't stand this. god, my heart aches.

i'm going to go watch Muallaf tomorrow. tak kesah ah who goes with me. i'm doing it for Mak. i'm going to watch it with everybody else and see their reactions. and then i'm gonna go home.

Labels: secretzen

so this depression doesn't surprise me. i always do this. especially when i'm not able to sleep. i just know that this behaviour worries my family. but i can't help it. i could break down at any moment. and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. this whole emo thing is quite the contrast compared to my positive outlook in life. i'm a leo, it's in my blood.

i remember somebody said he'd be there for me whenever i needed him. guess not. my heart aches. and i have no idea why. i'm not very important and i see that. i can't complain, i'm no better. he keeps reminding me everyday about it anyways. he's setting my heart on fire and he doesn't even realise it.

i wonder what christmas will be like. i know boxing day, i'll be going to Rock The World. awesome bands attending. get ready ! but all i know is New Years is going to be happy and fun between family and friends. so i can't wait.

i guess i should delete my chatbox. i mean it's funny and all but it's getting a little too irritating. but i'll just leave it and give a thought. it's quite interesting that i must have made a big impact on these people to hate me that much. i mean, i don't even know any of them.

oh wells, i shall deal. at least i still have my friends who love me and care about me. the people on my chatbox will just disappear far away into my memory one day. and maybe, they hate that fact, which is why they keep saying meaner and meaner things.

i'll let Allah judge me. even if they want to, i'll just hear what they have to say. just know that, when we die, nobody's opinion or judgment matters. only Allah's. i just don't get why you guys have to be so angry and bitter, need a hug ?


and don't be mean to my friends or family, please ? kacau i as much as you want. it does hurt me, so it will be enough.

i'm not going to say anything else. because it'll just make me as low as them. besides, i'm not as bored anyways. just wanted to add that, if you guys are to judge me, at least get to know me properly. with everything you guys said, i can't possibly ask for anything more. but hey, i won't judge you guys. but thanks. i'll try to be a better person.

god, i'm so tired. and it's so hard to sleep for me. i need rest and relaxation. but that proves to be impossible in this house. my body aches a bit from cheer. they're having a little party for everybody to come and enjoy. who wants to be my date ? :P tyeah right. i think i'll be too tired anyways.

the prom is tomorrow. and my gig is this saturday. to add, i'll be going to the Muallaf Gala Premier on wednesday. wonder who else is going ? this week, i am a little too jam packed. and all i really want to do is sleep. but i can't ! i actually woke up at 4.30 in the morning ! why ? no idea.

somebody give me a hand. my body is weak and my heart aches.

my king will soon leave, as usual. it's alright i guess. kinda knew it anyways. so people, let's get comfortable. cause this is going to be a bumpy ass ride.

Labels: secretzen

fucking funny storyline. and the actors are just hilarious. awesome comedic timing.

i bet you wouldn't care. oh well, life is such.

she doesn't call me as often as when she used to. but i still get the familiar phone call of when she wants to ask something or she just wants someone to talk to.

we haven't been as close as we were. we barely go out now, but i can still count on a message or a call from her or even her leaving a silly comment on my blog. and each time, it always makes my day. to know my Hachi is happy or will be happy.

her real name is Deirdre. hard name to pronounce but i got it right the first time. i have actually known her since i was nine but we definitely got closer in form two, when we sat next to each other. it was the same routine everyday , she'd be talking about something and i'd be listening. but i never got bored.

she was always such a fragile thing. cute too. i guess maybe that's why she followed me around. all she wanted was for me to take care of her. and i tried my best. i just hope it was enough.

but now she doesn't need me to take care of her anymore. and i couldn't be more proud of her. she's found true love, as she says, and that makes me happy. jealous sometimes, but always happy.

she's turning 16 today. with the amount of things we've been through together, we sometimes forget our age. but that's just us.




"to our band, Hachi was somewhat of an animal mascot,
well, she was rather our muse. her smile alone made the place
much brighter. be it at the studio or during a concert,
it encouraged the whole band."
-Oosaki Nana

i'll stop crying soon enough. i just can't get the thought out of my head. the thought of you thinking your always right. obviously i can't tell you otherwise, cause then i'd be wrong.

i hate it when you do that. i hate it when you think your good enough to judge other people. you are one of the worst people i know. when he fucked up, you never gave him shit like this. that dumbass treats me like i'm a fucking idiot and all you do is watch. cause that's all you know, watch.

i obviously don't hate you. but how dare you try to lecture me about sacrifices for the family when i've done more than enough for this family. and i'm quite sure, i'll be doing a whole lot more. because you assholes can't seem to get enough.

i can't wait to leave. i just can't wait to leave. i love you to bits but i just can't wait till i'm on my own and by myself. i just can't wait to be free.

a friend said that all my problems are because of my age. because i'm 16 these things are blown out of proportion because of my hormones. the way i feel, the way i think, the way i talk and the way i live is all because of my age.

so,
the way my parents treat me are because of my age ?
the way my sisters treat me are because of my age ?
the way my friends treat me are because of my age ?
the way everybody else treats me is because of my age ?

i guess, i wouldn't really know. i mean, i've never been my age. i'm a hell of an optimistic but what happens in life still sucks once in a while. i've been through way too much. more than most of my friends, older than me.

i guess, even psychologists can't judge before they know. but hell, it's okay i guess. i can't care anymore. i'm so low and i hate it.

it was over with.
that i was older.
that hurting is all there is to it.
that i could sleep.
that it never happens again.


that hopefully, at least one of the many will come true.

i don't know about you guys, but friends to me, are like diamonds, so rare, i'd hate to share them with anybody else. especially mine. i can't imagine losing them. really, i'd die.

you know, it's such a shame to see that friendship go down the drain. i know why it hurt that bad. they're pictures showing so much fun. their smiles just jumping off the picture. they look so happy and excited. i could honestly cry looking at the very pictures.

i obviously don't know much, if not anything. but what i do know is that friends like that don't come everyday. so what if you fight. friends fight, and sometimes they last a life time. it doesn't mean that they're no longer friends, it just means, they're angry.

so come on, i'm sure you know who you are. come on, forget and just forgive. i wish i could just drain the hate from your heart. i mean, that doesn't help. but friends forever, really does exist. so don't throw away your friendship or else, you'll just regret it, badly.

Labels: secretzen

i hate it when you do that. it's not like you ever listen. you just judge me and punish me without any thought. and it's obvious i can't do anything. it's not fucking funny when you hit me, never was, never will be.

this relationship has gone down the drain, so far, i can't see it anymore. i can't stand you anymore. all you bloody well do anymore is tell me what to do. i hate that. just ask, i'll probably do it faster.

you lazy assholes are such idiots. tahu marah je. i can't wait to get out of here. i don't care how but i know i'm going to make it as soon as possible. i can't wait to finally say "Sayonara" to all your bullshit.

i wanna go out tomorrow to shop. i wanna go far away, not just One Utama or Curve. mana best ? mahal kot. nobody i know wants to go. i have tuition in the evening, so most of my friends say their tired. but i memang nakk !

oooh, shall i go to that Tropicana punya tempat ? hey, it's new and sounds interesting. so as long as there is food nearby, i am fine. fuck ah, dah lah, i don't have any credit to call anybody or whatever. help ?

went jamming for the first time in a long time today. i had so much fun. dah lama tak lepak with the guys like that.

i hung out at safa the whole time telling everybody how much i hate Eddy and stuff. funny kan ? till wasting my time. i bet one of his gediks are gonna read this and go "O.M.G!". whatever lah.

i don't know about you guys, but i think when someone judges you when they don't even know you, is pretty god damned funny. but let them have their fun. like the people on my chatbox are real entertaining. they're just so cute, with their fake names and fake courage :P thanks for the joke material guys.

so,


guess who ?

ughhh, so tired. can you guess what song i'm listening to ? anyways. i'm real tired, been up for god knows how long, and i'm about ready to hit the hay.

had an awesome dinner with the boys tadi. Lee told me a story that got me laughing for minutes. i couldn't even breathe, ahh, good times, good times. he left early then Joey and Harith left. so lepak in the room with me sisters jap.

man, today was so hectic and eventful but i had fun. i slept at safa, which was somewhat of a first, don't blame me, i was shit tired.

my king sounds so troubled. maybe tomorrow night hopefully.

off to sleep now, chows !

didn't sleep again, was about to doze off when i remembered i had cheer this morning. so okay, ate then left for cheer. i keep forgetting how much i love cheer. haih i wanna go cheer camp, but i'm always so jamm packed. at least one day will make me happy. so hopefully lah.

after cheer, Pei Wen left straight away, so i teman-ed the new kid home. her house was in the opposite direction. but that girl bloody kecik, nanti anything happen, i'd be lower than shit, so i teman-ed then walked home.

sampai rumah je, mandi ! i can't take not bathing, especially after all that sweat.

i like walking alone, i get time to think, not that i don't think enough, it's just peaceful. now the 'soalan cepumas', do i take a nap, or go out ? i shall let my tired body do the thinking.

now it's my turn to put the music, lie back and wander off.

i remember the day when i held the lock and key in my hand, and i told you the story of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen. i also added to it Nana and Ren. both relationships so terribly right for each other.

but you had to be gay and give it back, forgetting all our memories, and the fact that i showed you most of it. then your new girlfriend pulak nak masuk campur.

oh well, you can suck on it, cause now i get to wear the lock. but come on dude, aren't you bored of fighting ? i know i am. malas aku nak kena avoid you all the time just cause your uncomfortable. come on, grow up.

come on, Eddy, let's hang out.

hey baby Boo, i heard some time ago that you left when i went off to Taipei. you're such a pretty cat, you know. i hated the day i had to give you away. you might have been Kak Nani's but i took care of you. i love you, pretty kitty.