this uncalled for sadness is annoying,

i've been out of check lately. i guess i should just pull myself together and try to overcome this. i've done it before and i can do it again. i just really need to do this for my friends.

another lonely week almost over. school is definitely going to be a drag if this lasts for more than a month. i didn't think i would spend my form 5 year like this. all unhappy and tired and lonely. makes me wanna leave for London even more.

it's not like i'm hoping just for London. i actually really wanna got to Penang for a weekend or something but i guess i should wait for after SPM so it'll feel even better.

i changed my link, obviously. i even changed my tumblr link. even you want the tumblr link, just ask. my friends on facebook should know about me changing everything. but hey guys, do me a favour ? don't just randomly give my link out kalau boleh. i'm just real tired of too many people knowing my blog.

i'm gonna go take a nap then gotta do me homework. i love you guys.

i don't seem to comprehend just exactly what happened.

but i guess i'll have to get up and start moving forward. it was so weird. i can't believe you actually did it. oh well, i have my own life to live anyways.

hey guys, do me a favour ? don't ever call me pretty. not even beautiful. i can't take that kind of bullshit anymore. fine, you can call me pretty but don't try to convince me that i'm the prettiest girl you know cause i know that's just a crock of shit.

i don't get it. i seriously don't. it's weird. all this suddenly happening. you know how you get a toy and you end up really loving it then your parents just yanking it away. at least a warning of something would have been good.

i spend my school days rather lonely in class. i miss Harith. i don't get why we're not talking. we were just fine before. now we don't even look at each other. i guess i'll just have to cope.

my heart is literally spilling out onto my shirt. i think too much and now i'm feeling a little too much which is never good. Choo and Ariff want me to stop but how do i explain to them exactly how hard that is. it just makes me feel better. i'm sorry i just can't help it. notice the long sleeves ?

i'm trying to get back up but i can't. i have no idea why it's becoming worse. it's weird, i can laugh when i want too but that dead feeling won't leave. i can't see straight sometimes. i spent half an hour in class staring at the whiteboard cause i thought there was something written on it.

i don't get it. it hurts way too much. and i'm quite sure it has nothing to do with that. so what's going on ? i can literally feel my heart falling. sometimes i have to remind myself to catch a breath.

is there something wrong with me ? i'm forgetting a lot of things lately which is weird cause i happen to remember quite easily. this one is pretty bad. i can feel it eating me from the inside and i have no idea whether this time i'll be alright.

i can't sleep again,

come to think of it, i don't remember any time when i could just put my head on a pillow and drift off. even if i am extremely tired, i still linger before sleep just thinking and sooner or later i'll finally fall asleep. but now it seems that it becomes later than ever. and i can't stand it.

i just realised how weird my dreams are. i seem to dream of a certain guy. and he keeps coming back in my dreams. seriously ! he comes back and most of my dreams are of us in different places doing all kinds of stuff.

i hate little immature fucks. god man. grow the fuck up. i am so done with that kind of bullshit. just nak budget power lebih. and they still have the nerve to act and look all cool about it. but then when you look at them, they don't even dare to look you in the eye.

i don't wanna fight ! please stop being so mean. it's so unfair on so many levels and i get it, your pissed, but that doesn't help.

i love you.

Labels: secretzen

i can't seem to understand what's going on,

everything is moving so so fast so suddenly. i can hardly catch my breath. Kak Leya and all are leaving tomorrow. i mean, permanently leaving. i have to admit, my heart does ache just thinking about coming home from school and not having them there to hug. i'm gonna miss the days i woke up to screaming babies.

Mak cried a little. it's gotta be extra hard for her. she's terribly afraid that they'll soon forget her. but she's their grandmother and i know for a fact that they'll love her just as i love my Tok Aling.

i finally got my room. Kak Nani moved out not long ago into her own pretty house. but i know she's not far. she gave me the comfort of being able to stay over her place whenever i felt like i was too big for this house.

once Kak Leya leaves, Yana will be moving on into that room for herself. she's got everything planned out. and as bittersweet as this is. i can't help but feel slightly overjoyed. i mean, we are growing girls. and growing girls need their space.

i'll miss the times my sisters and i would just sit around the dinner table listening to each others stories. we'd be laughing at the silliest things and that would literally be the highlight of my day. i did most of the listening sometimes, just soaking in my sisters and feelings and their stories and at night i'd go to sleep willing myself to remember those memories forever.

i'm so tired of all this pretentious bullshit.

i can't stand it when people actually think they have the nerve to put themselves on a higher pedestal and think that they can tell people what to do even though they're doing it wrong themselves. i seriously can't stand that.

Islam, to me, is not about condemning people. who are you to judge ? that is in god's hands and god's hands alone. you are god's slave and have no say on whether the person will go to hell or heaven. try staring into the bloody mirror once in a while.

i hate that reasoning of yours, "i was born this way." that is bullshit. that is a nicer way of saying i do not want to change because i don't think i should change. you're so bitter. so arrogant and bitter.

if you don't wanna listen to me, fine. just don't expect me to ever listen to you if you can't even listen to something i say without your ego.

my head hurt *rubs head*


i kinda wish i had my own lullaby guy who was in love with me and all he had to do was sing me a different lullaby every night, so i'll be able to sleep easy and quickly.

you know what's funny ? it's that sometimes i wonder why i stay up at night until god knows what time and just think about everything. i think about the future and how i'm trying hard as i may to make sure it happens. then i think about my past and i feel like there are absolutely no regrets i could possibly have.

i hated today. today was real mean to me. and i don't even know. hopefully tomorrow will wake me up with a big warm hug. this family irritates. i love them, but family's aren't supposed to treat each other like that. but then again, maybe they are.

all i really wanted was to see a face but that's never going to happen. i mean, you're busy, i know. how come i gotta wait until you're willing when sometimes you practically force me to do something i obviously do not want to do. i don't i guess i'm tired. tired of all this bullshit.

i'm mentally and physically tired. help ?

has anybody watched this movie before ? Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. i watched it all over again last night, and i gotta admit. i forgot how good it was. i was laughing and sometimes felt like i was going to cry. the emotions this movie holds is amazing. if you haven't watched it yet. take it from me, it is going to be worth it.

you really are a kind of dream,

the holidays are slowly coming to an end. and i just wanna scream. i want more ! i should just stay home tomorrow and finish off what's left of my homework. then maybe at night, i'll go hang out at safa for a while.

my heart seems to feel really heavy for some reason. i'm not quite sure myself. i guess i just need hope. more love than hope but hope will do just fine for now.

went to OU just now to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. it was alright. but i think i had more fun with the boys just hanging out at Burger King talking about everything and nothing at the same time. had a blast coming back. screaming at the radio.

i wanna go to England in May. Kak Nani will be there by then so i won't really be alone. i just wanna get a taste of it. i'll probably go for the two weeks we have our semester break. and if this works out, i definitely cannot wait.

love you

i seriously can't help but wonder why you even bother,


oh wells, these holidays seem to be going pretty well. got a little work done and still going for cheer and tuition and still bloody well babysitting. but it's been good.

got a lot of stuff lined up so far. Yana and I probably going to head over to Pavillion this Wednesday for a little shopping. most probably, just the two of us. then on Thursday, everybody seems interested in going out one whole group of us and i can't wait for that.

i gotta sleep soon but don't feel like it. i've been getting these weird crazy dreams where a guy comes to my effing rescue as if i'm some kind of damsel in bloody distress. obviously a dream. cause i have never worked that way and never will.

oh and to w from the chatbox, she meant the most "yielding thing" as the thing that can handle almost anything. which is water. if you were throw rocks into it, they'd just sink. it's a kind of metaphor for how we, as humans act and react. if someone were to be angry and aggressive. you shouldn't fight them off, you should just calmly try calming them down.

if you hit rocks together, they make a fire. something nobody wants.


anymore questions ? i'll see you guys soon.

Labels: secretzen

bugger tired -.-

it's been quite a week. the days passed by pretty slowly but i'm glad to say that i am still alive. so yippee for me. mondays, wednesdays, and fridays are crazy busy for me. from now on i'll only be free on thursday. which, i take full advantage of by the way.

but one thing we're all ecstatic about ? HOLIDAYS bitchass !

just had a full day today. plus, a whole group of us went of to Rasta for dinner and a long overdue lepak session and we just had a ball. we were screaming and laughing and just having tons of fun.

got back around 1.30, man am i beat, i did not get a moment to rest. probably won't be going out tomorrow. and yes, i am happy about that, but we'll see lah. i am the spontaneous kind anyways. hey maybe you'll see me in OU or Pavillion one of these days.

anyways, i've got a lot of homework and studying to do so send my love to the ones you love ! thanks guys. love ya.

what's a dream without a dreamer ?
a lover without another
seems to me, to be someone
who's heart has a fever
maybe one day, i'll look at you
and sing my heart through
i'll sing until i cry
for your lies
for our highs
for my lows
for their troubles
then hold me tight
hold me so close
don't leave my sight
let me breathe you in
hold your secret in deep
so when we dig my graves
my memories of you will be safe

i feel bad for leading them on but i can't help it. i'm a bitch and the faster they get it, the better for everybody. it's not that i don't wanna have feelings for them, it's just the matter that i can't. and man, does that make me feel like shit or what.

no, i do not believe i am beautiful, for many reasons. sure i'm confident, but in ways of my personality. i'm strong and hard headed and so far, i don't really see myself as beautiful but thanks.

it's already March and i went for my undang class yesterday. it was interesting but i was too bloody tired. i could barely stay awake for the first two hours of the class. probably going for the test some time fortnight.

wanna know what i've been asking for when i pray lately ? that my friends find the people they've been looking for. i have no idea why, i just feel like there's a void in their heart won't seem to disappear.

this post is turning out to be full of it. day by day i become a bigger cock talker than ever. i want my own room ! i want my sisters to move out ! i wanna be able to drive and that's about it ! and i can't wait for this life to begin.

oh yeah and i wanna runaway with my king. too hard ?