because i listen with my heart.

you know how they say true friends are hard to come by ? it's true. and for someone like me, it's even harder. and today proved to me the meaning of my best friends. not any best friends but mine.

they're some of the most beautiful people i know and you might not believe this but it's true. it's so amazingly true. they do not judge, they do not fret. they're not picky and they take the best care of me. these two have always been there for me. and hopefully, i've been there enough for them.

these two do not know when to quit. we might get into our little arguments but they never last and we're forever making each other laugh. just sitting down at a mamak is enough, in fact, it's the best.

Pei Wen got me a Holga for my birthday and Vee got me a Polaroid. you have no idea how happy i am. they knew exactly what to get for me and they didn't even hesitate.

but the best part of today, wasn't the presents or my room. it was the fact that i realised these two people weren't leaving. for once, i think i finally found friends i am completely comfortable with. i might not tell them everything but i do tell them most of it. and i'm glad.

so this is me thanking the one above for them. for my best friends. for my truest friends. for my companions. for my blabber mouths. for me one and onlys. thank you for letting me have the experience of having these people in my life. i have been truly blessed and i shall never forget that as i will never forget them.

they are my sky and my moon. one without the other seems so empty. but me without them would be a total catastrophe. so thank you, Allah, for the best birthday presents ever.

because i like the way it hurts.

i got a temporary tattoo on me arm and belly. belly seems to be more personal since i won't exactly show every motherhumper out there. but they're pretty other than the few specks of henna on my arm from Ms. Pei Wen being a little too touchy.

went to OU with her and Vee. she got her first pair of Converse and i was supposed to get my paint for my room but my dad had other things to do so he's gonna bring me the next day to some place in Menjalara. so i can finally get ready for things on Friday. memang a lot to do for me tomorrow but i'm ready for a better room, so i'm ready for anything.

i'm going absolutely crazy for Eminem. this man is brilliance. seriously i keep listening to his songs, annoying Yana. but yeah i can't get enough, especially the one with Rihanna. one of my favourites right now.

so yeah, i'm still pretty darn confused but i listened and i think i have a way out of this thing. i would really just love for this to be over with. so yeah, i can't wait. i'll let you guys know when i find out what i need to find out but i think there's more to this than i see on the surface.

i was really hurt a few months ago and i'm not sure whether it's time for me to officially get over it just yet. because i know this is gonna keep eating me from the inside if i don't properly do this but so many to rush me. so many to please.

my fingers hurt. my wrists throb. so much blood in these veins. so many things to think about and yet so little to calm me down. poke a hole in me and let it all leak out because i'm still only 17. these kind of problems are supposed to come a lot later than where i am now. but i guess that's my privilege and no one else's.

so yeah, i miss you.

my birthday's his Friday. and it's been a really long time since i've been this excited about it. at first i thought i'd just stay at home and spend the day normally but then, this head came up with a brilliant plan and now it's on and i can't wait.

everybody's, well not everybody is gonna come by my house and we'll all paint my room since it's so white and boring then from there we'll put all kinds of stuff on the wall and after most of it is done, we'll go out for dancing and a celebration. which is the part i really can't wait for.

i keep making Mum worried. she keeps asking about how i am and telling me how i should tell someone my problems. but how do you explain to someone that you don't have problems, just a lot of feelings. Mum keeps giving me these big hugs and long kisses on the forehead. they feel real good but i feel bad for making her feel so worried.

i just honestly can't wait to break free from this skin and really have some fun this Friday. i don't care where i just know i really can't wait to have some serious fun with my lovelies.

you know, maybe it's just me but i keep letting my heart talk and never pay attention to my head. and right now my heart is screaming telling me to do all kinds of things when i'm quite sure my head knows exactly what to do. but i gotta give it some time and they'll both simmer to an agreement.

because i like the way flowers smell, giving you a sense of hope.

spent the whole day with Ka Hoe, Rejaie and Ada. they're just so much fun. got to hang out with Awaina again which was awesome ! effing hilarious man ! dengan Ka Hoe tak tidur and Awaina's snorting. god, i love them.

Mak's grave is absolutely beautiful. you can see the impact she had on so many people. the minute we reached the grave, i noticed it. it was adorned with all kinds of beautiful plants and even her favourites, Tuber Roses. the smell of the roses filled the whole place and it really made me nostalgic. but i wasn't sad.

cause when i looked up from looking at the plants i could see Rejaie and Awaina reading the Yassin so beautifully and i could see Ka Hoe and Daddy talking like things never changed. we're still so close and it's most probably all thanks to her.

went to the High School Musical thing and it was so obvious that we shouldn't have been there. we were obviously from a different mind set and it was really hilarious watching everybody staring at us, wondering what in the hell were we doing there.

everybody's gonna be so angry at me but i can't help it. i've changed. heartache changes you. and it's not the obvious changes. it's the kind of change that gets your heart and head all messed up. so many people are telling me the same things and i'm not sure on what i want or what i should do. this is like hardcore bullshit.

so yeah, i think i might like him.

because my mind is made up of roads and dark alleys and even i don't have a map for it.

i'm so tired. this weekend will be even more tiring. so many things happening. so many of them i don't even want to care for. but i'll have to and we'll have to smile. so remember to smile, my friends. it'll keep you warm inside even when the ice chills you to the bone.

Mak's tahlil is this Saturday. exactly one year and i can feel it. exactly one year and just hearing the day, i'm catapulted back into the days i spent this last year. some were extremely special. others, not so much. my memory hasn't been very good though. but so far, i have yet to forget the extremely important ones. the ones with the most baggage.

watched Inception today. it was absolutely brilliant. i've been pretty reluctant lately listening to everybody's opinion with anything that has to do with movies but this was freaking awesome and i have to agree with almost everybody else who watched it.

i don't wanna wait anymore. i'm tired of waiting. i don't know. i don't feel anything anymore. you give really bad excuses and just because you did it once you think it'll make everything so much better. it doesn't help. you're still gonna give me all kinds of problems after this and i'm way too tired for that.

i'm so confused and i have no idea why. it's like my heart wants to tear me apart and send all my parts all over the world so it'll finally be satisfied. this body to no longer hold the scars it talks about. i'm tired. yes, i'm an ass but that's just because i don't wanna fall behind in the heart ache again.

because i look for you in my dreams,


well then, i've been having a pretty carzy weekend so far. now i know i can't play around anymore because whether i like or not, SPM is coming for me and it's coming quick. so i have to promise myself to not do anything unless it's like absolutely necessary and important. no more hanging out like an idiot and i must now go to tuition. promise, Leysha, PROMISE !

taking my undang test tomorrow morning. officially freaking out. gonna have to study some more later. but i'm just really nervous. i seriously do not wanna fail and add more time to this already long process.

i officially and finally have an idea for the look of my room. and it sounds pretty darn awesome. my dad said i could do whatever i want with the room since it is mine after all. so that's what imma be doing on my birthday. it'll be a little birthday present from me to me. and if it turns out pretty, it'll even more awesome.

i seem to speak empty sounds.

my head lays scattered all over
the ceiling

because my heart was torn apart a long time ago and you used really cheap excuses as glue.

went to this Kursus Kerjaya thing in Kelana Jaya today so skipped most of school. everybody was pretty giddy about it. saw a few people i knew there too. people from other schools and all. so many people. like seriously.

i think i honestly found my match. it's gonna be Sunway next year for me. they have everything i want but i wanted to take a double major but they don't have that so the lady suggested either Monash or i go abroad. so i'm thinking abroad. if i take up Psychology in Sunway, i'll have a route into America. Michigan to be precise which sounds pretty cool.

i'm going crazy for Mayday Parade and Copeland. so soothing and calming. rindu i. a lot of their songs i kind of grew up to. so they're a real big part in my life. but i have to admit, i need something new. something to blow my heart open.

because i like the butterflies you give me.

so cheer has officially come and gone. and i must say it was awesome. we were real nervous on the first day but on the second day, we rocked our routine. it was so much fun and 'm honestly so glad to finish my last year like this. and i could not possibly be more proud of my cheerleading team. oh ! and we made all kinds of new friends.

i slept over Pei Wen's place the whole weekend until Monday. which was fun and freaking hilarious. honestly best weekend i've had in a long time. we did crazy girl things and talked about boys and all kinds of best friend thingies.

and after so long. i finally met Ka Hoe again. man, it really does feel good to see him again after so long and of course, all my friends are drooling all over the place for the bugger. he went to Cheer 10 for me ! and of course, there, even more people drooled all over him but it was fun.

so all in all my weekend was fun and extremely tiring. i had a 38 hour day followed by a 4 and a half hour sleep then woke up to another 25 hour day. so yes, Pei Wen and i practically died when we got back to her place. but now i'm home and contented and going to school tomorrow. so i'll see you my lovelies.

because i wanted to be your friend, but you wanted to fight me to the end.

i can't stand people like you. honestly, did you think i'd never realise anything or even find out ? you're so effing fake, i can smell the plastic off of you. just because you're pretty and tall, doesn't mean you can put people down.

when people are ugly on the inside, you can see it from the outside. at least i can. and you're so full of anger and jealousy, i can barely see your face anymore. i don't get it. i was always open to you, always making sure you were happy and never hurting your feelings. but you've always hated me kan ? looking back, you've been treating me like shit since i don't know when.

make up your mind, either don't like me or like me. either be my friend or not at all. don't do both at the same time. it doesn't work that way. less than half a year left and i'm through with your bullshit. thank god.

and then there's you. you're even faker than the first one. pretending to be all rebellious and shit. could you please give me a break. that is pure bred bullshit what you're trying to pull off. and what you put together isn't fashion, it's called imitation.

haven't you heard, unoriginality isn't the new black. never has been, never will be. i had faith in you to be yourself but i think even you forgot who you were. and i hate how you're trying to be all knowing and shit when you're just a dumbass teenage girl with serious insecurities.

i'm just really tired of all this bullshit. i wished you'd just be true to friendship. i can't believe this is what i get for being your friend, pure and utter shit. i'm sorry but i think i'm done.

because i sing for you. sometimes other people but mostly you.


i am officially mentally preparing myself for the week ahead. with cheer and tuition and everything else, i am going to be dead tired buy this Sunday. the competition is this Saturday and it's safe to say that we are officially freaking out.

report card day came and went. my results were biasa lah. i didn't really bother much. i studied but not as much as anybody else. i only studied for like one or two hours. my teachers said they think i'm intelligent. i practically died when hearing that, especially when one of the teachers doesn't really acknowledge me in school.

my whole Friday was jam packed. i forgot how hectic it would get. i went to school, went home for like an hour then left for cheer. i was cheering until 6 then i was running all the way getting ready and into the tuition room. i have so many cuts and bruises !

i just saw Awaina last night after how long and it was awesome ! too bad she was high and all. i couldn't really appreciate it properly but it was fun seeing her again and she's gonna be there to support me in cheer. whooot !

i miss playing the guitar and singing. i haven't played the guitar in a long time. i think i've lost touch and i haven't sung a full on song in a while. i have a reason to sing, just no song. ohh yeahh, i gotta finish up on my first ever malay song.

i am currently missing a couple of people. mostly because i haven't hung out in so long. but it's crazy how close you can get, then be so far apart. weird, this life.