because every being in me wants you just not right now.

my heart's doing that thing again, where it beats real fast and uncontrollably out of nowhere and for absolutely no reason what-so-ever. still, i have no idea why and i won't ever find out, knowing myself.

studies are coming along fine other than the usual drama, so is my life. so far, so good i guess. i'm holding up and you're holding me up. this isn't a pedestal to you so maybe we can play around in this playground for a while until one of us decides it's time to go home.

he's asking a lot of questions now. like he doesn't know what's playing around in my head. i wish he would answer my simple questions and give me the satisfaction. i don't ask for much anymore, never have actually. so why the trouble ? i know he doesn't like my questions but they're the only ones i've been asking these past few months.

i told him to leave but he doesn't want to so i guess that's good. but maybe it isn't. i've never been too sure myself. he's changed. oddly enough, i've only realised this only lately. so why now ? why the sudden change of heart ?

i don't know why i bother,

because this is painful, you're painful.

i'm gonna leave for school soon, just venting before i do. since i have to wait for Little Miss Take Her Time, Yana anyways. it's currently 7 and it's still considered early since school is only 10 minutes away but then again, there's always the unnecessary traffic at Yana's school.

so yeahh, my days have been pretty rough so far. my sleeping pattern is all over the place and i still have no idea why. my brain is on friz from all the studying my parents think i'm not doing. and my heart's got a battle of it's own trying to choose wrong from right.

lately i've been feeling pretty down with all the negative comments about me and my life and my studies. so many people telling me what to do and what not to do. my mind is just buzzing from all the things i gotta think about and they don't seem to be going away. i don't know, maybe it's just me but i'm definitely gonna start doing something about this tonight.

i've always been an independent person. no idea how i got that way or maybe i was just born like that. i mean, looking at my sisters, you realise the differences between us, especially me. i've always been different and i don't know, eccentric.

i don't like a lot of things and copycats being the one of the main one. i mean, if you're gonna look like me, you can at least try not to pretend and you don't have to be so defiant about it cause well, it is pretty darn obvious. fake girls are like fake diamonds, you're real pretty and shiny from far, but get closer and we'll see all the cracks.

i'm mean when i wanna be so don't annoy me. try originality, it really does work sometimes you know. and i wasn't talking about my originality. so yeah, kisses loser.

because i'm so much happier now and maybe i'm burdened, but it's better.

Kak Nani's home. she sempat come home for us to buka with her. it was an awesome feeling to be able to buka with my whole family there. i ate so much ! seriously, Ramadhan food is the best. it also tastes a whole lot better because we puasa for the whole day.

oh and the best part is ! Gavin bought me a fisheye ! i can't believe it dude. i now officially have everything i've ever wanted so now i won't ask for anything from my parents. unless i want something else by my next birthday.

i seriously need to get all the film so i can start on the picture taking bit. i'm going to take shit loads of pictures of all my friends and stick em up on my wall. and when i'm sad and lonely, all i have to do is look up and i'll see all the reasons why i should smile. i'm probably going to start with Sue Jin and Ka Hoe since they are leaving after all.

i need to start studying a whole lot more. i mean i do study but i should studying a whole lot more. since trials are right after Raya and all. all i have to do is stay focused for the rest of the month and by Raya, i can have a little of the fun.

because i'm fragile and you were one of the very few who broke me.

i admit, i made a mistake when i threw us away but i can't bring myself to regret whatever it is i ever did, like how you want me to. i can't change myself to be exactly what you want me to be. you have to stop trying to change me. i'm me. i can't be anybody else. especially not someone you'd consider perfect.

it's not that i'm angry anymore but there's so many things standing here between us that i can no longer see you. i'm not angry anymore, i'm just thinking a whole lot more. and now i think i'm not sure.

we've obviously changed so much. this doesn't feel the same anymore. or maybe it does. my mind's the biggest maze right now but being with you is something i'm seriously contemplating. you have your friends now and it's kind of obvious who comes first. and i get it. i honestly do.

don't worry. i'm not saying this for any other reason. you can believe what you want but i know what's real and what's not. your friends can say whatever they want and you'll believe them. so i don't mind. i'm just trying to empty this head of all these screaming thoughts.

i guess, you'll probably get really sad that i said this but i had to. and since you don't wanna talk me, face to face, i'll never know how you feel and what you really want but right now this is me saying that i'm not ready yet. i'm just not. i'm sorry but my head's all over the place with other things i have to worry about and right now

this is what i really need. just to be me for a while.

because this is only going to break us. and we all know this.

the sun is gonna show it's face soon and i'm still not tired. but i'll try to sleep in a bit. it's just that this head is going crazy with things it wants to say and things it wants to forget. it's a bloody flea market in there and it's giving me really bad headaches. but i'll get better, i always do.

was alone at home today. everybody was out and i didn't feel like going out that early. i like being at home alone. i'm never afraid. it is my home after all. you feel a kind of freedom every time you're at home alone and i was having the time of my life just chilling and hanging out in my room. once in a while going down to get myself something to drink or something to chew on.

so do you miss me ? you say you do but i don't think so because how do you miss something when you've never even held it ? does your heart tell you to come and hold my hand or are you too afraid to fight ? because this is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me. most definitely.

i miss the beach. i love the beach. i was always in love with the beach. it's where i grew up. where i wanted to spend my whole days at. i can't wait to go to Penang for Raya. after all the celebrating, all i wanna do is go to the beach and wet my feet. i'm gonna get on a Jet Ski and go out and breathe in the air and let my mind go free.

just imagine, if i get to go to LA, i'll forever close by to a beach and i love that fact. you can feel the wind wherever you are and the sky will be blue, smiling down at you. so maybe going to the states is a good thing. then when i'm old and tired and my head and heart have given in, i'm going to go back to Penang and buy a house by the beach. and i'm going to spend my days there thanking God for everything he will and has ever given me.

for what is the present but our past's future.

because i wanna keep you, can i keep you ?

my late night sleeping spells are back and they're even worse than before included that i still have school to attend. i keep sleeping at five and have to wake up by 6.30 and that is not easy. it's a serious mind fuck and i need to get my body on a better schedule.

Kak Leya treated me to three books. two by Nivholas Sparks and one by Dorothy Koomson. i finished, The Notebook in two days. it was a seriously good book. it's a lot different from the movie but it's still really good. and i like both interpretations which is nice. one's dramatic when the other's sensual.

Kak Nani is coming home soon. like real soon. so cue jumping and freezing mid-air. she's been gone for i think, 3 months now and she'll be back just in time for Puasa month.

which reminds me. Puasa month is nearing real close. and this year i have to start taking it seriously. i mean, i am an adult and it would be god to get a couple of goodie points with the big guy. especially since i have SPM this year and all.

oh and guys, ignore the arrogant one on my chatbox because he is obviously speaking on his own on that topic. but they've some serious balls to say they know why Allah does what he does. to judge like Allah does. so i'll shut my mouth to those who think they know better.