because you pain me, the very thought of you pains me.

imma go bathe soon but i thought i might as well blog before i do since my brain feels like it's about to spill over. my hair takes a seriously long time to get wet and to dry. annoyance but i do love my mane so can't do much about it. wanted to go give it a good cut but then Mum and Kak Leya fell asleep which sucks deep.

i guess you guys have officially met my best friend. yeahh, she's a bit on the coocoo side but she's mine. i love her so. it was real sweet of her to help me with my fuck up and thank god she was there to make it all better again. thanks Vee. love you !

i don't think i'm in love anymore and i know i've said it a million times but back then i wanted it to happen but now i'm actually afraid that it is happening. it actually is. and i don't get how it can. it's weird. i don't like this feeling much but at the same time i'm loving it.

i had the weirdest dream the other night. it was all mediocre until the very end when i saw a familiar face and he hugged me. felt like he was going to leave me and then the alarm rang and i practically jumped out of my skin. i like my dreams sometimes. they seem to comfort my inner being with pretty pictures and odd stories.

i'm going through my SPM trials and they're going pretty good so far. only cause it's only been the languages so far. i wrote a weird ass story for my English paper. about a girl who was all about fire who could shoot fire through the tips of her fingers and toes. she joins the circus and falls in love but the ringmaster gets jealous and kills her lover, so she burns the circus down.

i can practically smell the irony.

well, duhh, its me, Vee. :D I know many people are wondering how on earth did I manage to get Leysha's password, no? Well its because Leysha was being totally stupid & decided to edit her own blog template but ended up fucking it up. I kno, right? Who does she think she is? I mean, I'm th one who did this blog layout for her anyway all those years ago so obviously she wouldn't know how to manage it. PFFT. Well, Leysha being Leysha pretty soon realized she can't fix it by herself & dropped her ego & came running after me begging me to help. After much persuasion & promises (cough LAPDANCE cough), I agreed to help her out.


And, TADAAAAA!

Her blog's as good as new again! :D I also edited some stuff, like removed certain parts that weren't necessary, made th body of the posts wider & also widen the page so now everything looks pretty pretty, no? :DD Yes, Leysha, LOVE MEEEE. What could you have ever done w/o me huh? Pfft. Nothing, of course! :D


HEHE I love you bestfriend! And yes, I just HAD to spam. :B

"This makes it easier."

maybe they're all i want. because they're all i need.

had an open house the other day. not really an open house, more like a gathering for the closest of friends and it was fun. Mum helped cooked heaps of food and it was finished over half an hour. i'm real proud she's my mum. she cooks good.

had a seriously intense game of truth or dare. there were lapdances, kisses, licking and even squatting. but it was all too much fun. we couldn't stop laughing and some of the things that happened would really freak a person out for a really long time. but i couldn't be more thankful that they're my friends.

Miss Awaina slept over the night before since her brother was busy and everything and thanks to me, she could spend the whole night with her boyfriend. then Chai all also came along and it was fun hanging out with them. we were just laughing our asses off throughout the whole thing.

i feel like getting a whole new batch of paint and painting all over my walls. writing my thoughts out seriously like they matter. maybe it would help more since i don't really do the whole 'telling people my feelings' very well.

everybody sees it but i don't. why can't i ?! i know i'm not blind. but why is it so hard for me to believe them ? all of them. apparently, everybody sees it except for me. this is pure bullshit.

because you need to see my heart, my tear, my thought.

i'm the weird one, i'm the freak. i'm the one people chase away because they fear the very thought of me. can't do much to fight it. you can't pretend to like me if you don't, i won't let you. i'm awkward and painful and so terribly honest it even hurts me.

went to Penang for Raya which was good. my whole family was there, even the pretty babies. but being there made me think, i can't possibly let you do this to me anymore. so i made up my mind. finally, i did it.

my brains a muck trying to think of better things. trying to convince myself that this isn't it. that there's more to me than this. i read Virginia Woolf lately, and i felt like i finally found a writer i can embrace. her stories, short or long, always seem to be as if she's trying to say something but she can't, kinda like how i feel.

i have too many to take care of. i have to be stable enough to live my life. or this would all just fall to the ground and i won't be able to pick up the ashes. i've been bonding with the sisters a lot now. it feels really good. to know that there are people there for me that i can rely on. who will never leave.

but this battle seems to grow so much bigger everyday. i need to get rid of it. i need to leave it behind. i need to release myself. i need to replenish myself. i need to leave.

because i've made up my mind, and you're officially done.

maybe cause i'm tired of all the bullshit you gave me and all the lies you fed me. maybe in the future we'll work out but not right now. i still need to calm down. if you'd kindly let me. i can't do this for you anymore. so many things, i've done only for you but not anymore. now i'm older, so now, i gotta take care of myself.

it's officially Eid Mubarak today. i heard the takbir raya and i thought i was gonna cry. cause it signaled the departure of our loved ones long gone back to their resting places. and i guess, i wasn't ready to say bye just yet.

oh well, i'm off to visit them later after the Raya prayers. and it'll be something different. something new for us to deal with. this year, we had to add another to our prayer list. my granddaddy. gosh, i miss him. it's weird for me cause i never really saw him go. i had exams to deal with.

so now, we'll all reminisce and think over all our mistakes and some of us will regret but some of us will learn from it. to everybody i wish you a Selamat Hari Raya. and if i have said anything to have hurt you or offend you then i ask for your forgiveness from the tip of my hair to the tip of my toes.

i just realised i have readers from all over the world. like in the States or even in England. maybe it's just my blog, or there really are people who read my rants. so thanks guys and Assalammualaikum.

because i'm not special, so leave me be.

one thing i've always wanted to do was go to an open land and run freely. then i'd lie down and stare up at the sky and finally stop thinking. but i can't do that. it'll freak too many people i care for out. well, at least for now, i won't.

truth be told, i don't like pretentious bullshit. and i seem to have a pretty good eye for it. all the little girls prancing around pretending all kinds of things and talking like they've got the biggest brass balls ever. i see them all over the place now. and they just love the attention. i mean, i'd give it to you if you'd just ask. now i can't stand the very sight of you.

i don't seem to mind anything anymore. i've been single for longer than i thought i would be but i like it. i don't have to bother with anybody else's feelings. i'm just gonna stick to my friends and family for now. so much simpler, no ?

sometimes i feel like someone's burning something in my room and has locked all the doors and closed all the windows. and i can't do anything but suffocate with my thoughts and worries. i know i think too much. that's what they all say.

i better be off, have to be awake in half an hour. hold on tight, freaks.

because in the likes of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen, you're gonna cut me open with a kitchen knife.

got back from Penang this morning. watched Skins on the way home, listening to Yana show me the things i have in common with Effy. she has been insisting and last night she finally showed me. i still don't see it but Yana insists so imma let her enjoy that.

spent most of the days in our apartment and swimming but on the first night, i got what i wanted. the soft sand and the rough waters. before dinner Yana and i took a walk down to the beach and i just spent the whole time just playing with the water. i guess to me, that was the sign that i was finally home.

something happened when i was in Penang and i finally let go. i'm not quite sure what it was but it did the trick and the weird thing was i finally let go. maybe not completely or how i would have wanted it to be but i did it and i'm happier now.

i went to my grandparents house and it was easier than i thought but still painful. it was like the moment i stepped in i saw my memories running through the hallway. i sat in the garden for a while and just thought about everything and everyone. Raya will be here soon and we won't be celebrating much.

but i know my family and we'll make it, we're strong and as long as we have each other, we'll be just fine. odd as it is, we will. even if we don't know it yet.