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i don't dream often, that's why they scare me.

we were in the car going somewhere and you were driving. it was cold for some reason but i didn't wanna put a jacket on. then you took my hand and held it tight. trying to keep me warm. your hand's warmth filled my body and i was nothing but comfortable. we stopped at a stoplight and you turned and stared at me. i kept wondering why until it turned green. and you slowly started driving again. there was a weird feeling in my gut. the music was on loud playing a familiar song. then suddenly everything stopped and you let go of my hand. i took a deep breath in and felt the warmth escape my body. i turned to you but you didn't look my way. then there it was, my stop. my destination and i was finally there. i got out of the car and watched you drive away for good.

it was weird, that dream. there was a familiar feeling in my gut when i woke up but it slowly went away. i guess it was just my head playing tricks on me again. but it was weird. it felt so real. all i could think of when i woke up was wondering where were you and why in the hell did i have that dream. but that's over now and i got over it.

"there, i just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me."

what a way to say goodbye ?

so i just got back from Penang a few days ago. and it was honestly what i needed. a few couple of days with my girls. and i can swear that it was probably the best days of this year for me. with the food and all the talking, we became so much closer. and i couldn't be happier.

the waves there were HUGE. thanks to the monsoon season but it was great and the waves didn't bring us down. we still got to ride the jet skies. Vee rode with me and Pei Wen went by herself and i was hilarious. Vee probably got carpet burn from the seat, as she says. and Pei Wen just took her time watching the sunset.

we shisha-ed and it was amazing. even though the shisha wasn't that good, it was still on the beach and it was still pretty darn awesome. then we met a couple of guys there who were rather interesting themselves.

Tok Aling was there and it was awesome having her there. at least we didn't get lost and everything. and i honestly thought she would be a downer with her rules and such but she was the best, there was even a night when we left the apartment at 12 in the morning and another night when we got home at 3. sure she wanted us to be punctual and all, but that was about it. she is the most amazing grandmother ever.

Penang is honestly and most definitely my home lah. i mean, i wasn't even afraid to walk around. sure, i was afraid of a couple of rapists and such but nothing else. i felt so completely safe. i felt like a bird coming home, like a butterfly finally learning to fly.

i can't wait to go back there. we probably will for New Years but we're not too sure on that yet. but still, i'm gonna go home soon enough and i'll feel the waves on my feet and the wind on my body and i'd know the feeling of safety again. the feeling of never wanting to go anywhere else. that feeling i rarely get here, happiness and fulfillment.

wow, i haven't been here in a real long time huh ? all thanks to SPM and my aching brain. so far nothing much has happened other than me being eaten alive by monstrous test papers with big scary fangs. but something awesome is happening pretty damn soon.

i'm going to Penang with Vee and Pei Wen. finally. we've been talking about this our whole high school life. you can't imagine the joy i have trapped in me. i'm just gonna burst into thin air soon. and you have absolutely no idea how excited i am. i've been waiting for this day my whole life and nothing could possibly bring me down after this.

i still have my last two papers on the 20th but that's way too far for me to care now. who cares ? i don't. i just can't wait till i can finally recycle all my books and get everything over with. SPM will finally be over. high school and all it's drama, will finally be over.

and with high school no longer there, i finally get to enjoy the life i have. with my friends and family. i can't wait for college either. new people, new surrounding. it will be pretty darn awesome. it's gonna be a whole new chapter for my friends and i but i'm taking on this challenge wholeheartedly. and i know i'll miss high school and all the good times. but i need to grow these wings of mine. and i can already feel the wind.