Day Ten


Ten Secrets

i'm going to celebrate Valentine's Day alone, since a really long time ago and i've never felt lonelier.

i once spent a New Years in a foetal position behind my couch crying my eyes out because the loud noises of the fireworks on the TV freaked the hell out of me and i had no idea what was happening to me.

my parents call me Tate. it's a baby name we all have but mine's real weird since my name is Leysha and Tate is far from it.

i manipulate people to my own benefit very well. i know what makes them tick and what they want and use it to my advantage. but i don't do it as often now.

i convinced Yana she was adopted when we were younger.

i have a limited group of friends i actually trust. i've seen too many come and go and some have even left some of their cutlery in my back so now i've gotten used to zoning out and not really let people in.

i do this thing where i makes stories out of real life situations i've been in and almost everybody i know has been a victim to my imagination.

i have suicidal tendencies but i am getting better.

i wasn't able to read or write until i was 8. i kept 'forgetting' how to. but one day i picked up a book and never stopped. now, i can even write cursive, though not very good.

i'm scared you might actually love her more than you ever loved me.

Day Nine

Nine Loves

i love walking around in my house when we've just bought fresh flowers and they're all over the house making it smell like roses and sweets.

i love sleeping to soothing music and even sometimes my favourite sitcoms. they just make me wanna dream good things and forget the bad things. sometimes, it's the only way i can sleep.

i love how when i need somebody, my friends are always there even when i don't ask for it. and how much i matter to them, making me feel all the more important than this weird existence i have. they make me wanna live my life to the very fullest.

i love it when my whole family gathers at the dinner table and we just talk and eat and talk and eat. and after, we'll just sit around and share stories about our day, laughing like we don't need anything else.

i love it when my baby nieces see me and they give me the biggest smile.

i love rainy sunny days. where it's nice and cool yet i can still feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. it just makes for a great day to be out.

i love staying up until the wee hours of the night just talking to my friends hanging out outside my house. laughing and joking and we'd never have to stop because we're still too young to feel tired.

i love long car rides with my parents. listening to them talk about how they grew up and the things they went through in their lives and the stories they share always have happiness and strength.

i love going to the beach and stepping foot into the waves as they crash against the beach. and i'll breathe in and feel the safest i've ever been.

Day Eight


Eight Fears

i have this extremely strong fear of not being able to live my life the way i want to. ever since i was younger, i hated it when somebody told me how my life should and would be. i'm scared that in the future i'll just be another robot in this consumer driven galaxy and i scare myself with this thought everyday.

i'm afraid my family might just fall apart over the dumbest things.

when i was younger, i found out i was deadly allergic to bees and ever since then i've had a haunting fear of them. i'd go all cold and stiff when i see one. i never know whether to run or to just stay still. i actually cried once cause one got real close to my body.

i have this weird fear of loud unnecessary noises. nobody knows about this because i somewhat got over it but sometimes it does come back to haunt me.

this would be considered cliche but i am scared of the thought of ever losing my loved ones. i can't even imagine days without them ever coming back and sometimes i even selfishly ask to be taken first so i won't suffer without them.

i get scared, when it comes to relationships, to truly let myself be vulnerable.

i'm afraid i'll never live up to my dreams like how i've always imagined. i'm scared that everything i do in life will be so unimportant, nobody will remember who i was. i just don't wanna fail when it comes to my own life.

i fear i won't ever find somebody who could handle me and my feelings.

Day Seven


Seven Wants

i wanna be able to watch all my ultimate bands perform live. i just wished it wasn't so much of a hassle. like getting on a plane and spending how many days not doing anything until i actually get to see them live.

i always wanted to watch a movie all by myself in the cinema but i've never had the time to actually do it since i only make time for my friends and my parents won't let me out alone.

i also wanna live in another country for a while. just to feel like what it's like to be somewhere where you aren't comfortable or used to it. it would be complete hell but i also plan on coming home and besides, you know what they say, home is where the heart is.

watching all my favourite singers perform makes me want to be able to write a song and perform it in front of a major crowd where everybody knows the lyrics to my song and they sing a long with me.

there's a big thing i've always wanted to do and that was to run away for a while without anybody i knew and left my worries behind for just a while. i just want that worry-free feeling of freedom.

i want to be taken seriously of. i want people to talk to me like i'm a human being. and i have feelings. i want a mature conversation with someone that excites me. i just want somebody to take me seriously and not laugh in my face.

when i was younger, i always wanted to be able to write and tell stories. and that's my Number One want in this list. because i found a comfort in telling my stories, happy or sad, to the people who listened. to the people who felt the same way. i wanted that so badly and now that i'm older, i want it even more badly.

Day Six


6 Places You Want To Go

Number Six would have to be New Zealand. my dad brought me up on rugby games and shouting at the screen and i've always wanted to watch The All Blacks play a live game at their home. plus, i've always been very interested in the Kiwi people's culture and tradition.

Number Five is Saudi Arabia. my family descended from those soils and i've always had a dream to go home and walk on the roads my ancestors once did.

Number Four isn't very special but i'd like to go to Sarawak. for the Rainforest. hopefully when i'm older i'll have enough funds for me to bring myself along with my sisters off to an exotic getaway with music.

Number Three has to be Germany for the Rock Am Ring. i mean, the stories you hear about the bands and what goes on there makes any music lover wanna pack their bags and leave as soon as possible.

Number Two would probably be Los Angeles, California. i wanna study there and maybe even make history there. i've always wanted to go to England but looking back Los Angeles would be the best place for me to experience and experiment on what i really want in life and who knows, i might just find it there.

and my Number One would have to be Penang. plain old, Penang. it never matters where i am in the world, i'll always want to get on the next plane to my one true home. where the waves answer my questions and where the people and the food almost always brightens my day.

Day Five
five foods.

Day Four


Four Books.

1. The Harry Potter book series by J.K Rowling
this book series opened my eyes to new fantasies and strange beliefs. it brought magic into my life and life long stories i'll never forget.

2. Catcher In The Rye by J.D Salinger
i read this book when i was a bit younger than the subject of the book. and reading everything he felt and went through gave me a great sense of living and all i wanted to do after reading this book was to grow up but never leave my childhood behind.

3. The Jean Ure book series
these books kept me company as a kid. i could finish one in less than a day but i wouldn't be bothered because i'd just read them all over again. these books helped me out with the boredom of school and the pains of home.

4. The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
now this book freaked the hell out of me. being about 5 beautiful sisters with over-protective parents. but the catch is that, the whole thing circulates around their suicides and the infatuation the neighbourhood boys had for them and how they loved the girls so dearly that they spend the rest of their lives forever thinking about them.

Day Three


Three movies.

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

we're finally here and there is nothing in our way.

though heartbreak came early this year for me. i have a good feeling, this will be one of the best years of my life. you know what they say, when you've finally hit rock bottom, the only other way to go is up. and that is exactly what i am planning on doing.

i'm gonna be 18 this year and i'm already having the best experiences of my life with all the people who truly matter to me. it feels so good to be free and yet still have that childlike innocence. everything seems to be so calm and planned out. as if we were planning for this year ever since we came into this world.

i'm not too worried about love just yet. i am only 18. so what if it hurts and i wanna punch him in the face. i couldn't care less about the jackass. at least not for this year because this year, it's gonna be all about me. me and my family. me and my friends. me and the start of an amazing journey.

so i got my ticket to MGMT already and yes, i think this would be the best year to be 18. with all the gigs happening this year. they couldn't have planned it better. and soon i'll be buying my ticket for Asking Alexandria. and i can't wait to have the time of my life with me friends.

this is it. we talked about it ever since we started school when we were 7 and now, 9 whole years later, we're finally enjoying it. we're finally getting ready to taste this amazing feeling we've heard so many talk about and so many others wish they had. i'm not gonna waste this year on stupid heartaches. or even ridiculous fights with people i don't know.

i'm gonna have me a ball thanks. i'm gonna dance till the sun comes up and i'm gonna take all kinds of pictures. i'm gonna forget all the ridiculous pain and rejoice about my youth. i'm gonna thank Allah for giving me the opportunity to be able to experience this and i will hold my head up high and go crazy. besides, i've always been crazy. at least now, i won't have to hide it just as much.

Day Two


Two songs.

and the first for me would be Makeup Smeared Eyes by Automatic Loveletter. this would be because i absolutely idolize Juliet Simms. her and her beautiful voice and rocker attitude. i always wanted to be able to sing like her. to hold the audience in my grasp like her and who knows, maybe someday i will.

the second would definitely have to be Lollipop by Framing Hanley. ultimately because this song seriously gets me in the mood to dance or to just rock out. this song seems to brighten up my day and make me feel real bootylicious. whatever that means.

Day One



so i'm doing this 10 day challenge thing i got from Vee's Tumblr. and since my blog has been nothing but empty lately, i thought i'd do this. since i have nothing better to rant about. and maybe this will be a good way to think.

so Day One is a picture of yourself. and this is a picture of myself. i posted this one cause i didn't want the ones where i'm usually smiling or whatever. this is a picture of me just being who i am in front of the camera. yeah, i don't smile much. but i am learning.

and i fell down and out wishing we would finally be able to do this.

but i'm sorry i didn't cope with it properly. i just got so tired of all the pity people were throwing at me. i'm sorry for telling my friends how i felt when i needed a hug or somebody to cheer me up. i'm sorry i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw her. she's pretty and sweet. so don't hurt her like you hurt me. don't let that ego of yours run that relationship.

i had the worst day and my friends were there by my side making me smile and laugh. it was nice to know that even if i am lonely, i'm not alone. and watching the way they took care of me put tears into my eyes and it felt good to know that i was being taken care of.

they told me to be strong and slowly i'll move on. but what if i don't want to be strong anymore ? what if i just want to break down and eat shit loads of chocolate ? that was what i wanted to do all day. i just wanted to crawl into a hole and only leave when the light finally shone through. but that wouldn't be me, would it ?

i guess i'm tired of always being happy and optimistic. i might look and sound emo, but my optimism could kill you. and now what do i do ? i don't want to be optimistic. i just want to be able to cry it out and be depressed. but i'm unable of such sort. i'm still as optimistic as hell.

because i know, college will be starting soon and i still have my whole life ahead of me. and this year, i'm finally 18. i can do some of the things i've always wanted to do. and i'll do it. i'll do it with passion and hope for the next day because that's just who i am.

but it does hurt. but i'm done being all angry and such. God, i'm gonna miss you but it is getting easier because i can't seem to remember our memories anymore. i seem to be forgetting more and more of it, day by day. besides, you're still a child. and i'll just have to wait until we both grow up to be friends. i just wish it didn't happen like that. i just wish it didn't hurt like this. because when i said i would've done anything for us, i meant it. i guess you didn't.

there i just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me.

we're all going through something we won't get over any time soon.

it's weird for me. calling it a new year when everything still feels the same. the very same heartache i started last year with. won't this ever be over with ? i'm tired of always hoping you'll come and pick me out of this hole you put yourself in.

i started this year with a new found love for my very close friends though. somehow, the New Years celebration at Vee's finally opened my eyes to who my true friends really were and how i need to get rid of all the ones who weren't. i don't want to feel betrayed like how i always used to. but who can help that ?

the twins moved out yesterday and it hasn't helped my mood. i miss their voices in the morning and the way they smelt when i would teman them sleep. i miss how Aza would always run to me after i had a long day and how Asha would force a kiss on me when i really needed it. i also really miss my big sister. working has taken up a lot of my time and i couldn't appreciate them to the fullest.

i wonder what goes on in your head when you look at me cause it sure ain't love anymore. you're so rude and mean, it can get a little annoying sometimes. i made the decision that this would be the very last of us or i'd get run over by Pei Wen's car.

though my heart screams your name, i know i shouldn't do that to myself and to you anymore. so maybe we'll finally finish this. with college starting soon for the both of us. maybe we'll find somebody better, somebody worth it. i miss you, and you'll always be the one but you must understand, you broke me.

and here we go, another year down in our books.

spent New Years at Vee's with everybody else there except for Ariff who was a bush-humper who didn't come because of something totally unimportant. it was a good one. rushed home just in time to scream the countdown with Mama. then went on back to Vee's for a bit.

started work at Tutti Frutti today. it was pretty awesome. the boss and supervisor are not at all strict and everybody there was real nice. i was the cashier most of the time and it was simple. i smiled and laughed and was real friendly. so yeah, i am officially proud of myself.

started this year on another lonely note. once again, but i made a New Years resolution. i will not waste my time anymore. i even made sure my friend would run me over with a car if i ever did. i guess that was the last straw. i will forever want you, but i'm growing up and i'm slowly learning that maybe what i want isn't exactly what i need.