I can't seem to sleep properly now. I used to be able to fall asleep easier, it was hard then but it seems so much harder now. Closing my eyes and reading my prayers doesn't seem to work anymore. My eyes just end up opening again and refusing to close.

A million and one thoughts keep running through my head and they won't let me rest. the just keep adding weight onto my heart. I'm trying to stay but I can't. My mind keeps bringing me so far away. Conversations only feels like background music now. The words people say tend to go in one ear and come out the next. I can't concentrate.

On another note, I celebrated the first day of Raya with my family. I made cupcakes and apparently everybody really liked them or so they told me. I got to go to all my late grandparents' graves and ended up crying at Tok Wan's grave. I felt like I was falling into a pit. I still feel like that.

There's this empty spot in my heart that seems to be letting all the bad things in and seems to be keeping all the good things out. This isn't me giving up, I'm not the kind of person but I am thinking about it. All these thoughts plague my mind and I try so hard not to fall apart every time someone gives me the look or tries to give me sympathy. I'm a wreck, I'm lonely. I'm so very lonely.